Too many talking stages

I never know how to start my blogs. I either think to start with something along the lines of “Hi guys I hope you’re all well” or just jump straight in and start. I feel it’s only right to update you on my life as part of these blogs, as I’m so open with what I share and so it would be rude not too.

As cheesy as it sounds, I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and are still enjoying the holidays. I also hope that you did not allow for Mr. Johnson to keep you away from your loved ones due to the “mass number of cases that are increasing daily”.

Christmas day for me was busy. My niece and nephew are now a part of our household and so rather than breaking my fast with rochers and bucksfizz, I was helping collect wrapping paper/packaging and acting as if I have a clue, whilst trying to follow instructions in the hope to set up their new toys.

This break has been long awaited, following on from 4 weeks intense training, alongside 2 rigorous weeks of assessments but the main thang is, your girl passed and is now all in the clear! That also explains why there was no blog last Wednesday, that was just a one off as I felt like my head was going to fall off and the last thing I wanted was to be anywhere near a computer!

It’s new year eve tomorrow, and although majority of us probably don’t have any plans other than to sit at home and drink in peace welcoming the new year, it goes without saying that we’ll all be happy to see the back end of this god-awful year, good riddance.

Despite the obvious reasons as to why 2020 was so bad, I am grateful and humbled by this year. I genuinely think that I found my soul mate. I started blogging. I got a promotion at work with a healthy payrise. I lost friends. I gained friends. I stepped out of my comfort zone. I started to prioritize my MH more. I have savings and the best bit is, I have undertaken so much self-progression that in comparison to last year, I am UNRECOGNISABLE.

2020, you are something else, do you know that? *kevin hart voice*

Monday, I thought I would let you readers decide what topic I blog about. I do have various topics in my notes but I was feeling indecisive so I put a poll on my Instagram Story to see what content you were drawn too and dating as a millennial was the most popular.

Now I’m no dating guru by any means, but it doesn’t take a genius to work out that the standard of dating, in comparison to 50-80 years ago has sadly, but surely fizzled out into nearly nothing. Gone of the days where men would court a woman by doing everything they could to “woo” her, in the hope that the end result would be marriage.

When I talk about “wooing” women, it wasn’t buying expensive gifts and wining and dining them. It was the simple things. The simple chivalrous things, that most of us women, consider a lost art. Holding the door open for you, kissing your hand or your head. In all honesty, I was among the women who screamed from the top of their lungs that ‘chivalry was dead’ and ‘men are trash’ after being tainted by the likes of narcissistic, immature idiots.

Sam however, instilled every belief back in me that chivalry infact isn’t dead. It’s just a rare find. I think it was one of our first dates, it was earlier this year when we had the really hot weather and we went to Weston-Super-Mare (a beach and pier.) The sand was so hot and so I ran off the sand onto the pavement. I had to put my sandals back on but I had all sand on my feet. Sam told me to sit down and he started to brush all of the sand off the bottom of my feet and helped me to put my sandals on, checking that they were comfortable and sand free. It was such a special feeling to know that that’s genuinely what he wanted to do. The smallest acts of kindness, really do mean the most.

I figure that in the olden days (1920’s), women were expected to get married from early and so the responsibility really was on the man to win a woman’s heart, so that he could take her hand in marriage. It used to be frowned upon if a young woman was not married and it was deemed that something had to be wrong with her.

In this day and age, that’s no longer the case and so rather than live an unhappy life, with a man who conned us into believing he’s a gentleman, women are saying no to marriage and relationships overall, in order to fulfill their own happiness. Like Whitney Houston said, “I’d rather be alone than unhappy“. In the 21st century, women are realising their self-worth and are not accepting anything less. We understand the value of self-love and have realised that our happiness is worth so much more than any relationship status.

Being single does not mean that we’re unhappy and being married does not mean that we are happy. Women aren’t afraid of being alone anymore, as we know what we bring to our table and boy we’re eating good! So if you haven’t got anything worthwhile to bring, then go and sit over there on your own table and don’t come back until you have, peace.

Dating as a millennial is wack. Civilization have become their own curse as well as their cure, we all seem to have adapted to this modern way of dating and pretty much hate it, but accept it for what it is. We get excited by right swipes on tinder and eye emojis into the DM’s. The fast but short-lived excitement that this new age “wooing” brings is more fulfilling than a long, interesting chat about our life, interests and bucket lists.

We meet, we talk, we get close, (and then if we are lucky enough to form some sort of relationship), something fucks up*, we stop talking and the cycle starts again and before we know it, we’re in talking stage #173.

*Something fucks up:

  • They ghost/you ghost
  • Emotionally unavailable
  • Unwilling to commit
  • They cheat/You cheat
  • Too many arguments
  • One or both unwilling to compromise/to work on things
  • Domestic/emotional/financial abuse
  • Effort is not reciprocated
  • Too distant/too needy (won’t give you space)
  • Lying
  • Substance abuse
  • No affection/attention
  • and the list goes on…

We date in a generation where “ghosting” is a thing. Enough of us, have had someone completely ignore us for weeks on end or cut off contact completely via various forms of social media, in a bid to end things. This is a common enough theme that runs throughout many millennial’s dating experience, that it now has a name.

I haven’t been ghosted before, but I can imagine it’s one of the worst things to happen when you’re talking to someone. 5 months into the talking stage and you’re getting excited that soon he’s going to ask you to be his girlfriend but instead he’s got no picture on WhatsApp, can’t be found on Instagram and your messages are not delivering. How AWFUL.

From an evolutionary standpoint, ghosting is one of the worst, if not THE WORST thing that you can do to someone that you no longer wish to talk to. Leaving someone out in the cold without any reason why, must weigh a ton on someone’s mind and automatically have them doubting their self-worth.

Essentially, by not giving someone a reason for why you have lost interest, you are showing them, that to you, they aren’t worthy of a reason and that’s something that they’ll have to deal with, sending their thoughts into a spiral of negativity and self-loathe.

Let’s cut out the ghosting please. It’s real shitty to the person who gets ghosted and is a sure and fast way to get their self-esteem plummeted.

It’s not just ghosting that has made it’s way into the newly found dating lingo. There are lots of other dating words to – “talking stage”, “catfish”, “bae”,”R.O.D”, “beating” and I’m sure there’s plenty more. Those are literally just off the top of my head and they sound ridiculous even writing them out!

So you ask, what is this talking stage that you speak of? Well, I have a lovely explanation from Urban Dictionary that pretty much sums it up!

“It’s basically just a mind fuck and really a waste of time, cause most of the time it doesn’t work but when it’s does I guess it could be great, but I mean I wouldn’t know sigh

CLASS. Yeah so pretty much, the “talking stage” is when you are getting to know someone, feeling them out, seeing how they make you feel and working out whether or not you want to pursue anything long term with them. It’s at this stage that most men (come on, you know it’s mainly you guys, but I ain’t finna stereotype) and women start to lose interest.

If it’s the case that you are talking to other people during this stage, (let’s be honest, most of us do) then odds are, you’re going to be more attracted to the one that’s going to keep your attention and so the ones that don’t, either gets ghosted or cut off and has to start yet another talking stage with someone else.

I mean, it’s not bad to get to know other people. In the talking stage, I guess this is the perfect time too. You’re still single and you want to get to know the people that you’re interested in. It just sucks that if we have spent so many months getting to know each other, and you make it clear that there is no longevity, then it has to come to an end real soon. It’s not even that upsetting, you weren’t mine and I wasn’t yours. It’s the fact that I now have to start again with someone else and I don’t even know if I can be bothered.

The problem about the “TS” is that it’s exhausting! I don’t want to repeat for the 100 millionth time what my dogs name is and what I like to do for fun?! I don’t want to, I’m sick of it! The small talk when you’re trying to get to know someone, is truly underwhelming. How do I know that this time, is going to be the time. This time, we will meet up as planned, you will fall in love with me and we will run off into the sunset and live happily ever after. Or maybe, we’ll be strangers at the end of the year, who knows? Anyone for another game of TS roulette?

These days, no one is clear about their intentions. We are happy to get attention and have our ego’s stroked for a while but that’s all it amounts too. We talk about having “no strings attached” but then things get way too complicated and feelings get hurt. We then get into a competition of who can care the least.

For millennials dating, there is little gratitude in showing happy and honest emotions. We fear that if we act interested, we will actually turn that person off and make them feel the “ick”, so we tend to act backwards instead. I know they’re going to look at my Instagram story so I am going to post me having a good time with my friends, so it looks like I’m unbothered. How bizarre does that even sound? Yet we still act this way to express our true feelings.

Another thing that we do, is that we get way too strategic with our responses. I understand this could never have been an issue in previous generations dating, as they did not have copious amounts of social media apps to speak to different people on. If they were busy, they wouldn’t respond and if they wasn’t, then they would. Simple. If we see our potential suitor post on their story but not reply back to our message, we are in instant war. That’s it, I’m not texting back for two hours now, see how he likes that. Why are we in so much competition to act like we care the least?

I wouldn’t know whether to class this as an advantage or not if I’m being honest, but Millennials now have more leverage in dating. We now have dating apps! Tinder, Hinge, Bumble and I know there’s more. Ok so, dating apps seem to have bought us closer together but further apart simultaneously. I say that because, dating apps is not old-fashioned dating. It’s once again, allowing us to have our egos stroked by someone that we haven’t even met (who may very well be cat-fishing us.)

I was on Tinder when I lived in Dubai, but it was not a bit of me at all and soon delete my account. I’ve also used Hinge and tbh, the set up of it is a lot more casual and likable than tinder. All in all, aside from most people being on there because they are bored, (this year I can imagined their user figures sky-rocketed through the roof) a lot of people are on those apps, just for a good time.

I highly agree that they are a good tool for meeting people and filtering down to your specific preference in person. Especially for people that have very little confidence in real life, but once the initial tone has been set, the conversation should be moved off the App and onto a more normal form of communication. Maybe they make people feel safer? In most cases too, there is a lot less rejection as you’ll never know who was never interested in you, just who was and so that can add to people’s confidence, but if you’re going on there to find love with someone, then you’re going to have to meet them soon anyway!

I guess these types of apps are perfect if you are looking for a quick fling, have travelled away to another city or destination and fancy some company, as they offer short-lived relationships and there is just so many people to chose from!

If you are genuinely looking for love, in the nicest way possible please stay away from those apps. You fall in love with someone’s laugh, smile, the way they pull a face or say a certain word. Dating apps make it so much harder to do. You write someone off because they don’t have any pictures without their friends or their bio is cheesy, when in reality everyone has their quirks. It’s just that their quirks are being put in the spotlight and being frowned upon and judged, if this was real life, you’d probably be the one to admire them.

In general, it’s a lot harder for millennials to find success in dating, as we have too many options. This in turn, makes it less likely for people to want to try and work through the relationship/situationships that they are already in, as they know that they can have another one at the click of their finger.

It’s sad, I’m a libra and we LOVE love. We get burned time and time again, but we always come right back, stronger, in the search of finding our special one. Although, it’s hurtful, exhausting and naïve (some may say), I’m thankful that I have that in me because I now have my prince charming and god willing, I’ll never have to enter another talking stage again! *Elle leaves the chat*

Happy new year everyone! See you in 2021,

E x

Author: Elle Weaver

Written by Elleblogs, she offers readers a lighthearted look into her life by creating fun, unfiltered and honest blog posts which taps into the real life issues, joys and expectations we face as millennials. Elle Weaver is a 25 year old female of mixed heritage, based in Birmingham, England UK.

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