Hello beautiful people! It feels good to be back writing another blog. I’ve missed the sound of my fingers tap-tapping on the keyboard whilst deep in thought…
How bad is the weather? I’m sorry but are we in May or ? The idea of sitting outside in a beer garden whilst it’s currently windy, wet and *checks weather app on phone* 8 degrees outside is not very pleasurable.
There’s nothing new with me really. Sam and I have finally learnt to live together peacefully and I think we now understand each others boundaries. I didn’t realise how hard it was going to be initially, moving in with someone.
When you discuss the idea of it, you expect it to be sunshine and rainbows. You think you’re going to wake up every day feeling so happy and loving, big LOL.
In reality, you’re shouting at each other about who hasn’t washed up and created an argument that’s blown way out of proportion and then spending the rest of the day walking on eggshells around each other, until one of you acts normal again.
Luckily we both bounce back from disagreements pretty quickly now, whereas before they’d drag on all day. It’s fair to say that we’ve grown up a lot since being with each other and it really shows. I don’t want sunshine and rainbows all the time because that’s not real, this is. I’d take real any day.
I don’t want to say that I haven’t been in a good place mentally but I’ve felt better. I think a lot of things are just getting on top of me lately, my weight and skin primarily.
I haven’t been the weight that I am now, ever before in my life which honestly saddens me so much. I constantly feel anxious that one day Sam is going to realise how chunky I’ve got and break up with me. I know that I’m gaining weight but I can’t seem to stop eating the wrong foods or find the motivation to do anything about it.
Sam is great. He’s super reassuring and makes me feel so comfortable with myself and always says that he just wants me to be happy, regardless to what weight I am.
When the gyms re-opened, I was really excited and went for about 3 days that week and then have not been back since. It’s either all or nothing with me and the more I try to eat clean, the further i’m pushed away from it because in my mind, I know that i’m not supposed to.
Now that places are starting to open again, I thought that i’d finally have a way to feel better about myself by putting on make up and looking cute in outfits, but sadly that’s not the case. Hardly any of my clothes fit me anymore (or look ridiculous if they do), my arms are too chunky in crop tops and the top button on my jeans are that tight that i’ll actually die of lack of breath if i wear them.
I’ve vowed to myself that I will not buy any clothes until i lose weight, which means when I do go out, i’m not comfortable with the clothes i’m wearing, as they either look dated or stupid. When I do go to browse at new clothes, I feel like I’ve lost my sense of style because i can’t find anything I like anymore, or seem to put outfits together.
My skin 😦 is just another story. All my life, I’ve had clear, fresh, soft skin which was literally my USP. A few of you guys may know already, but for Christmas Sam bought me the Kylie Jenner Skin Care Collection which included a face wash, a face scrub, toner, face cream, eye cream and some vitamin C serum.
I used all of these products on that day and I seriously think it was way too harsh for my skin. I’ve never used skin care products on my face before and so I don’t know what enticed me to want to use these (probably because I think Kylie’s my best friend), but I really shouldn’t have.
Not long after using the products, my skin broke out and I had; red rashy type marks and bumps on my face. The redness has calmed down a lot but the texture of my face is still bumpy and rough and my clean soft skin is no longer.
So yeah, I won’t go on any longer but as you can tell from my moaning, times have been better. I don’t mean to sound shallow either but whilst i’m still grateful for the things i do have, these factors in life are making me sad.
I’m not naive to the fact that everyone has been in the same situation for the past year. We’ve all been locked away, isolated from our loved ones and stuck in the house. Weight gain from endless snacking and dry skin from not seeing any daylight, is probably pretty normal.
I can’t help thinking though that I’ve really started to let myself go. I wake up and see influencers on the gram in cutesy outfits with their beautiful made up faces and it’s really started to get to me. I’ve never really been one to take a look on socials and feel a way about people looking better than I do, but it’s obvious that when your self-esteem is low, social media is damaging to your well-being.
Yes, I understand that their job is to influence people and that there are lots of angles, edits and filters involved, but it doesn’t make you feel good when you’re sat on the sofa in your PJ’s, with your belly hanging out, eating chocolate fingers watching Ugly Betty. (I actually didn’t plan for that, i’m dead-ass watching it again).
Socials can be a cruel place, Instagram especially. It can have you wanting to look like people who don’t even look like that. It’s important to remember that we’re all real human beings and we only see what people want us to see. I’ve had to humble myself a few times and remind myself that because so often we can get lost in this fake world and question our own self-worth.
I’ve made a new Instagram. I was toying with the idea for a while and i eventually decided to go ahead with it. I made a new one because i’m tired of debating with myself whether the photograph is “Instagram-worthy” enough to post or not. I hate looking at my feed and seeing pictures of me in pretentious places, all dolled up in heels and makeup for likes because frankly, that’s just not me.
I’m not the heels and dress type girl. I’m not the full face of makeup type girl. 95% of my time is spent either at work, in bed or at home makeup free with my curly bun on display. That’s me. I want to show more of what i’m about, my interests and who I am. I don’t want to fit in with Instagrammers or Influencers, and I don’t want to gain hundreds of likes, but to live in my authentic truth and thrive.
As a collective, we have this warped way of thinking. We don’t post what we want in the fear that not enough people are going to like what we like. Who’s validation are we looking for here? Why isn’t ours enough? We don’t post what we want in the fear that people will think were too average and not out of this world gorgeous.
Forget the candids, the family photos and the old school pictures that hold so much value, love and pure genuineness. Instead let’s post photos of us half naked, with long eyelashes and pink nails…because that’s interesting.
I hate that we place so much control into an app that we’ve downloaded onto our phone. There are considerable amounts that we miss out on that would make us happy, financially free or just feel like more of ourselves, because we care so much about what other people think.
I did a poll on my Instagram story the other day which asked “Would you make an Only Fans account if it meant that no one knew it was you?” 76% of people said yes, whilst only 26% of people said no. Which goes to show, a lot of you are missing out on some cashmulaaaa because you care so much about what people would think.
It’s a shame that this is the way we think. I’m so guilty of thinking this way too and it’s something that i’m slowly trying to un-learn. As I get older, I can really feel myself fulfilling my inner desires and being so nonchalant to what everyone else thinks, it’s a beautiful thing and it’s going to take time.
As I sit here with my baggy t-shirt, messy pony and glasses with my leg placed on my boyfriend as he watches the wrestling, I realise that there there are so many important things in life and so many things that make me happy and none of them have anything to do with appearance.
We’ve all been through so much as a nation and I really need to cut myself some slack, we all do! Yeah so what I’ve gained weight, yeah my skin isn’t the clearest and my clothes aren’t the nicest but who cares?!
I have an amazing boyfriend who makes me laugh every single day, I have the bestest of friends who I can turn to whenever I need, I have a good job, a loving family and a beautiful home. There is nothing that I cannot overcome. I have a few rolls and dry skin but it’s nothing compared to other battles I’ve had to face.
I will continue to meet up with friends and eat what I like as we laugh and joke over nonsense and I will continue to enjoy what I enjoy doing without any harsh tellings off from myself because life really be life’in right now. Life is hard and we owe ourselves so much more love.
Take care and don’t be so hard on yourselves, take the time to enjoy life whilst you can.
I love you all,