LOL I totally used this blog for click bait. You really thought I was going to spill some hot juicy tea didn’t you? You, you really thought?
We all know how much of an open book I am so it was only right I tell you about an important chapter in my life that’s transpired recently.
Of course, i’m not going to delve deep into the he said, she said or into great detail in terms of the arguments and events, however I will certainly give you a general feel of the overall relationship for the last 6 months.
I can’t help but be transparent in all areas of my existence whether that be my mental health, sexual pleasure or anything in between.
In all honesty, the emotions that have arose from this breakup has come as a bit of a shock to me. I’m not sure if it’s because i’m the one that called it off this time, rather than having the rug pulled from underneath my feet.
In all of my other relationships, I have either been forced to break up with someone as they’ve been disloyal or I have been the one to be broken up with due to the usual “we argue too much, I think we’d be happier apart” type scenarios.
With my last relationship it was very much a different case. We were official only after a month and said ‘I love you’ to each other not long after that.
We had baby making talks only 4 months into the relationship *vomit* and then after 9 months, decided to move in together. You can see where i’m going with the quickness?
It was safe to say we were head over heels in love with one other and I’ll never regret any part of that or wish to change anything. My feelings were so real in those months we spent together and I loved hard.
I don’t want it to seem as though i’m bad-mouthing my ex or criticizing him, i’m merely talking you through my experiences and how I felt.
When we moved in together, this is when things just got too much. We had waited for this moment for so long, but it was not what we had hoped for at all. We tried to spend time apart at our parents house or being out the house as much as possible to try and not get under each other’s feet, but we clashed badly.
Now everyone has their demons and it’s undeniable that we both had ours. However it got to a point where his mental health was very bad and I was pulling him from dark places more often that not, which was having a massive effect on my well-being and my mental health. Not to mention my work, my personal relationships and most importantly, my relationship with myself.
I don’t think men mean too, but when it comes to their emotions they can be very selfish. It’s very much, this is how i’m feeling and if you dont like it, deal with it.
Whereas as women, due to being natural caregivers, even if we are going through our own struggles we can still help others who are going through theirs. I felt the support wasn’t reciprocated when I needed it the most.
I would wake up most days tip-toeing on egg shells. I didn’t know which mood I was going to get. If it was a bad day, I would make breakfast and be told that I’m doing something wrong or I should’ve done this differently, when all I was trying to do was my best and that wasn’t good enough.
When it was a good day, I was promised hopes and dreams of our future, holidays, adventures and anything else remotely magical. But then the bad days became more or less every day and my self-esteem started to crumble.
Why can’t I make him happy? What am I doing wrong? I didn’t understand why our relationship wasn’t working when I was making all of these compromises, just to make him happy, but he wasn’t and neither was I!
Say he had done something that had annoyed me or if I was going through a bad day with my own mental health, I wouldn’t say anything. I’d keep my mouth shut because as soon as I started to talk about me and how I felt, I was ‘Over-reacting’, “Too sensitive” or “Take things too seriously” and would somehow make my feelings invalid.
One of the many times, we had planned to watch a movie with a desert. We drove to the desert shop and everything was normal. We waited a while and as the desert shop was taking so long with our order, he flipped out and went into a foul mood.
Everything was my fault again. I shouldn’t have suggested desert as an idea, I should’t have made us come to this desert shop. I shouldn’t have ordered what I did. We didn’t speak for the whole journey home.
I tried to make things OK as I always do, and was shutdown and made to feel incompetent. When he got in, he went upstairs and told me he was going to sleep and I sat on the sofa and cried my eyes out.
There’s plenty more examples that have lead to massive arguments and name-calling but that’s just to give you an insight into the type of things that went on behind closed doors.
Just being in his presence, I felt like I had to shrink myself down and mold into what he wanted me to be, in order to make this relationship work. I wanted things to work so badly, but I was losing myself in the process.
It makes me sad because I have videos of my phone from a couple of months ago of me crying and talking to the camera about how sad and low i’m feeling and how much I don’t want to be in this head space anymore.
These videos were days apart from each other, the 21st and 25th may (you can see the dates on the top of the next images, although I look the same in both), looking back I just want to shake myself and then give myself a massive cuddle, it’s so distressing.
For months, i persevered hoping that things would work eventually but I was fooling myself and I knew I was.
I had broken up with him quite a lot of times over the last couple of months but we always found our way back. Each time I went back, I felt as though he was getting stronger and I was getting weaker. After a year of trying to calm my anxiety, it had started to take over me again.
I took a step back after one of our arguments and it kind of came like an epiphany. I’m not happy and I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. This is not what I signed up for.
It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. For so long I had pictured babies, marriage and a whole lifetime with this person, but this was not the life that the universe wanted for me and in all honesty, this wasn’t the life that I wanted for myself.
When i posted about this blog, I had a lot of people message me things along the lines of,”Awww babe im so sorry, i’m sad for you” or “Nooooo” or “Omg I hope you’re OK” and to tell you the complete and utter truth, i’m the happiest I’ve been in a long long time.
I managed to maintain this “perfect” Instagram image for months because we were so public and that’s probably why it came as a sudden shock to people. As cliche as it is, you never know what’s going on behind closed doors.
I say that the emotions that have come from this breakup has shocked me because when it was actually over, I felt nothing but relief. I’ve never felt that before at the end of a relationship. Normally, I feel as though my heart has been ripped from my chest, but it just wasn’t like that.
I even started to concern myself with how OK I was and thought, nope any day now, it’s going to hit me like a ton of bricks and I’m going to be an absolute mess. That day didn’t come.
I had to google why I wasn’t upset with my breakup and I was pleasantly surprised! I had discovered that a lot of my grieving had been done during and near the end of the relationship before it had actually come to an end.
I had already mourned the relationship. I had emotionally detached myself, months before this had even come to an end and so when it was officially called off, I was relieved.
I still feel that any day now, it’s going to hit me and I’m going to burst out crying in the middle of the supermarket because it just feels strange, how OK i am with it all. I guess heartbreak comes in a lot of different forms, and my heart was broken way before things ended.
A burden that has held me down and kept me captive for so long now has finally been lifted. I finally feel like me again. The happy, outgoing, confident, bubbly and sociable little Libra that I’ve always been and proud to be.
I have come to realise that I like being alone. I’ve always known I’ve loved my own company but in fact I actually really love being single. I get to be my true authentic self. I have all the things I need, a good job, great friends and family, a nice apartment and a good heart.
If anyone is going to enter my life as a potential suitor, they have to be absolutely out of this world because my life is fucking amazing. (Not that i’m looking btw, your gal is going to play the field for a couple of years ;)).
I used to think that if people were single, it was not out of choice. They couldn’t get or keep a partner and that they were lonely and wanting nothing more than a relationship. I could not be more wrong.
I have always loved love and so whenever I’ve broken up with someone, within 6 months i’m in another relationship and it’s been like that pretty much since I have been about 17. I was always scared of being alone.
I cross referenced all my relationships in my head making mental notes, and I ascertained that throughout being in them, I was always more anxious, insecure, lacked confidence and generally didn’t feel good enough unless I was needed.
Now that i’m alone, I am absolutely thriving and I have never been more secure and confident in myself than I have, in this very moment. I’m so proud of myself and I can’t believe this is all i needed all along. Me myself and I, solidarity and peace of mind.
If anyone is in a similar situation to this, please get out. You are only hurting yourself and if it was going to work, it would have.
Also, don’t feel guilty for leaving a situation that is not for you, that doesn’t make you happy anymore or allow you to grow.
To my ex if you’re reading this, I want you to be happy, but it’s not going to be at my expense.