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Cheating isn’t real.

Monogamy:-

  • The practice of marrying or state of being married to one person at a time.
  • The practice or state of having a sexual relationship with only one partner.

You should all know me by now and my love for controversy. I love to discuss topics that may seem off limits and give you my opinions on everything, however unconventional and abnormal they seem to the average person.

I think I may upset some people with this blog post as it may force you to look at how close-minded you are, but that’s not really my problem…

Civilisation has enforced upon us monogamy and that this is the right way to have a healthy and successful relationship.

Monogamy is your basic: boy meets girl, boy meets boy, girl meets girl and they fall in love and stay in love with ONLY each other until problems start to arise.

It teaches us that, in these types of relationships cheating is forbidden and finding others attractive and tempting is frowned upon.

Monogamy is practiced widely throughout society and I guess it does have it’s advantages with the biggest benefit being that it ensures that we are able procreate and nurture babies in a stable and structured way.

But other than that, what is the real benefit of being truly monogamous with another person?

Is it the sense of ownership that we feel that we have over the other person?

Is it having our own ego and sense of self boosted by feeling loved, knowing that their love is only given to us?

Or is it the ingredient of security that we crave and long for, envisioning we will have this forever?

Whatever it is, monogamy has undoubtedly trained society into believing that if we don’t follow the rules of this specific way of loving, then ultimately we aren’t serious about our feelings and our relationships with others.

In 2019, the statistics in the UK showed that 42% of people that got married, also got divorced.

Does that not scare you? Almost half of the couples that got married, also got divorced? Out of that percentage, 62% were women who initiated the divorce.

May I also just add that the other 58% that didn’t get divorced are probably miserable, staying for the sake of the children, one of them is cheating behind their partners back repeatedly with or without the knowledge of the other party or divorce is disfavored within their culture or religion…

I think it’s fair to say that to get to a point of divorce, you have to be pretty unhappy in the relationship for months, even years before considering that to be an option.

Going through divorce is a lengthy, costly process which nobody wants to have to do unless it’s necessary.

Predominately, out of those figures, women were the ones who initially wanted the divorce. Which meant that their partner either betrayed them in some way or there had been a huge strain in the relationship which would suggest that they had been unhappy for a while.

***ATTENTION ALL LADIES! ***

Is this not ringing alarm bells in your head???

A few weeks ago, I did a survey on my Instagram page that asked whether people thought monogamy was natural/normal and below are the results…

Low and behold, there were more than half of people that voted yes than there were that voted no. A lot of the people that votes yes, were women.

I appreciate that a fair amount of women have always dreamed about their wedding day, being with the perfect partner, choosing the most beautiful dress and living a tremendous life with babies and happiness for the rest of their existence.

As lovely and comforting as those thoughts are, they are more or less fairy tales. I’m not saying that can’t happen by any means, but the likelihood of maintaining a relationship like that in 2021, where every person wants instant gratification, is very unlikely.

Social Media has also played a huge part in our beliefs of monogamy. “Relationship and couple goals” are a massive desire to have. A photo can look so picture perfect and make us crave a relationship like that, although we forget it’s just a damn picture. Those people in it, are not always that happy.

Naturally, humans are not designed to be monogamous, believe it or not, before western imperialism 83% of indigenous societies were poly amorous.

Poly amorous – the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the informed consent of all partners involved.

DISCLAIMER – I do not believe that humans are naturally monogamous and I do not feel as though cheating is deceitful, I believe it’s human nature. Monogamy is a societal concept that was created upon emotions and ego.

Let me land…

Relating back to the fact about western imperialism, if it wasn’t for western society leading us to believe that monogamous was natural, then it wouldn’t have been normalised and we wouldn’t have these sorts of relationships, no?

It’s HUMAN NATURE – (the general psychological characteristics, feelings, and behavioural traits of humankind, regarded as shared by all humans) to want to be with more than one person at once. CHEATING IS NOT REAL.

The only person that we cheat, is the person that we have lied to in the first place about only having a relationship with them and only loving them.

When we are cheated on, we feel betrayed because the other person ‘promised’ they wouldn’t do those things with anyone else, whereas if they made us aware from the very beginning that they WILL be doing this with other people, and it was mutually agreed, we wouldn’t feel hurt.

Do you get it?

To a certain extent, people (men mainly) practice polyamory more often than not behind their partners backs. They act dishonorable, only because they haven’t been truly honest with their intentions to their partner.

Ask yourself this question, do you not think that if we practiced safe sex and were happy to have multiple partners with the consent of everyone required, then we would have much happier, and more care-free relationships?

No lies, no jealousy, no deceitfulness. Open, honest relationships. No cyber stalking, checking your partner’s phone when they’re sleeping. Not checking their Instagram to see who they’ve recently followed or who’s pictures they’ve liked. No stressing about what they’re out doing with their friends.

Believe me I have been there multiple times. The list could go and and honestly, it’s exhausting. It doesn’t even have to go to those extents (although majority of my relationships have).

You can be 5 years into a happy, healthy relationship and notice that your eyes start to wander, you no longer feel fufilled with your partner, whether that’s sexually or emotionally.

In monogamous relationships:-

There’s two options – 1. Follow your temptations and cheat on your partner OR 2. Tell your partner your feelings and hope that you can work things out and 9/10 nothing changes so you stay in an unfilled relationship which in turn makes you miserable and you end up leaving or cheating anyway…

Does it not make sense to have an open relationship to avoid anything like that from happening? ITS A FACT that by being with partner, they aren’t going to give us EVERYTHING we want from the relationship.

Would it not make sense to be with multiple people to get EVERYTHING we want and desire? SEXUALLY, EMOTIONALLY, FINANCIALLY?

Ladies and gentleman, I really do rest my case. I’m not sure how much more I can promote these poly amorous relationships!

I have tried to be with one person only, tried and failed. Believe it or not, I get bored and as soon as my needs aren’t being met, I start to lose interest.

The UK society especially, has made us women seem slutty, used or sleazy if we see more than one person, but empower men for doing EXACTLY the same.

I’m sorry what????

GIRLS! (and men) Take your power and OWNERSHIP back and get everything you desire from numerous relationships. Don’t settle for just one person.

Also – We need to stop letting our EGO think that people belong to us. No one belongs to us. The sooner we let go of that idealism, the better.

I do hope this blog has given you something to think about at least and slightly changed your view on monogamy.

We don’t want to end up old, lonely, divorced and unfulfilled do we ? If we keep going the way we are in these monogamous relationships, then eventually that’s going to be outcome…

E x

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We broke up.

LOL I totally used this blog for click bait. You really thought I was going to spill some hot juicy tea didn’t you? You, you really thought?

We all know how much of an open book I am so it was only right I tell you about an important chapter in my life that’s transpired recently.

Of course, i’m not going to delve deep into the he said, she said or into great detail in terms of the arguments and events, however I will certainly give you a general feel of the overall relationship for the last 6 months.

I can’t help but be transparent in all areas of my existence whether that be my mental health, sexual pleasure or anything in between.

In all honesty, the emotions that have arose from this breakup has come as a bit of a shock to me. I’m not sure if it’s because i’m the one that called it off this time, rather than having the rug pulled from underneath my feet.

In all of my other relationships, I have either been forced to break up with someone as they’ve been disloyal or I have been the one to be broken up with due to the usual “we argue too much, I think we’d be happier apart” type scenarios.

With my last relationship it was very much a different case. We were official only after a month and said ‘I love you’ to each other not long after that.

We had baby making talks only 4 months into the relationship *vomit* and then after 9 months, decided to move in together. You can see where i’m going with the quickness?

It was safe to say we were head over heels in love with one other and I’ll never regret any part of that or wish to change anything. My feelings were so real in those months we spent together and I loved hard.

I don’t want it to seem as though i’m bad-mouthing my ex or criticizing him, i’m merely talking you through my experiences and how I felt.

When we moved in together, this is when things just got too much. We had waited for this moment for so long, but it was not what we had hoped for at all. We tried to spend time apart at our parents house or being out the house as much as possible to try and not get under each other’s feet, but we clashed badly.

Now everyone has their demons and it’s undeniable that we both had ours. However it got to a point where his mental health was very bad and I was pulling him from dark places more often that not, which was having a massive effect on my well-being and my mental health. Not to mention my work, my personal relationships and most importantly, my relationship with myself.

I don’t think men mean too, but when it comes to their emotions they can be very selfish. It’s very much, this is how i’m feeling and if you dont like it, deal with it.

Whereas as women, due to being natural caregivers, even if we are going through our own struggles we can still help others who are going through theirs. I felt the support wasn’t reciprocated when I needed it the most.

I would wake up most days tip-toeing on egg shells. I didn’t know which mood I was going to get. If it was a bad day, I would make breakfast and be told that I’m doing something wrong or I should’ve done this differently, when all I was trying to do was my best and that wasn’t good enough.

When it was a good day, I was promised hopes and dreams of our future, holidays, adventures and anything else remotely magical. But then the bad days became more or less every day and my self-esteem started to crumble.

Why can’t I make him happy? What am I doing wrong? I didn’t understand why our relationship wasn’t working when I was making all of these compromises, just to make him happy, but he wasn’t and neither was I!

Say he had done something that had annoyed me or if I was going through a bad day with my own mental health, I wouldn’t say anything. I’d keep my mouth shut because as soon as I started to talk about me and how I felt, I was ‘Over-reacting’, “Too sensitive” or “Take things too seriously” and would somehow make my feelings invalid.

One of the many times, we had planned to watch a movie with a desert. We drove to the desert shop and everything was normal. We waited a while and as the desert shop was taking so long with our order, he flipped out and went into a foul mood.

Everything was my fault again. I shouldn’t have suggested desert as an idea, I should’t have made us come to this desert shop. I shouldn’t have ordered what I did. We didn’t speak for the whole journey home.

I tried to make things OK as I always do, and was shutdown and made to feel incompetent. When he got in, he went upstairs and told me he was going to sleep and I sat on the sofa and cried my eyes out.

There’s plenty more examples that have lead to massive arguments and name-calling but that’s just to give you an insight into the type of things that went on behind closed doors.

Just being in his presence, I felt like I had to shrink myself down and mold into what he wanted me to be, in order to make this relationship work. I wanted things to work so badly, but I was losing myself in the process.

It makes me sad because I have videos of my phone from a couple of months ago of me crying and talking to the camera about how sad and low i’m feeling and how much I don’t want to be in this head space anymore.

These videos were days apart from each other, the 21st and 25th may (you can see the dates on the top of the next images, although I look the same in both), looking back I just want to shake myself and then give myself a massive cuddle, it’s so distressing.

For months, i persevered hoping that things would work eventually but I was fooling myself and I knew I was.

I had broken up with him quite a lot of times over the last couple of months but we always found our way back. Each time I went back, I felt as though he was getting stronger and I was getting weaker. After a year of trying to calm my anxiety, it had started to take over me again.

I took a step back after one of our arguments and it kind of came like an epiphany. I’m not happy and I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. This is not what I signed up for.

It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. For so long I had pictured babies, marriage and a whole lifetime with this person, but this was not the life that the universe wanted for me and in all honesty, this wasn’t the life that I wanted for myself.

When i posted about this blog, I had a lot of people message me things along the lines of,”Awww babe im so sorry, i’m sad for you” or “Nooooo” or “Omg I hope you’re OK” and to tell you the complete and utter truth, i’m the happiest I’ve been in a long long time.

I managed to maintain this “perfect” Instagram image for months because we were so public and that’s probably why it came as a sudden shock to people. As cliche as it is, you never know what’s going on behind closed doors.

I say that the emotions that have come from this breakup has shocked me because when it was actually over, I felt nothing but relief. I’ve never felt that before at the end of a relationship. Normally, I feel as though my heart has been ripped from my chest, but it just wasn’t like that.

I even started to concern myself with how OK I was and thought, nope any day now, it’s going to hit me like a ton of bricks and I’m going to be an absolute mess. That day didn’t come.

I had to google why I wasn’t upset with my breakup and I was pleasantly surprised! I had discovered that a lot of my grieving had been done during and near the end of the relationship before it had actually come to an end.

I had already mourned the relationship. I had emotionally detached myself, months before this had even come to an end and so when it was officially called off, I was relieved.

I still feel that any day now, it’s going to hit me and I’m going to burst out crying in the middle of the supermarket because it just feels strange, how OK i am with it all. I guess heartbreak comes in a lot of different forms, and my heart was broken way before things ended.

A burden that has held me down and kept me captive for so long now has finally been lifted. I finally feel like me again. The happy, outgoing, confident, bubbly and sociable little Libra that I’ve always been and proud to be.

I have come to realise that I like being alone. I’ve always known I’ve loved my own company but in fact I actually really love being single. I get to be my true authentic self. I have all the things I need, a good job, great friends and family, a nice apartment and a good heart.

If anyone is going to enter my life as a potential suitor, they have to be absolutely out of this world because my life is fucking amazing. (Not that i’m looking btw, your gal is going to play the field for a couple of years ;)).

I used to think that if people were single, it was not out of choice. They couldn’t get or keep a partner and that they were lonely and wanting nothing more than a relationship. I could not be more wrong.

I have always loved love and so whenever I’ve broken up with someone, within 6 months i’m in another relationship and it’s been like that pretty much since I have been about 17. I was always scared of being alone.

I cross referenced all my relationships in my head making mental notes, and I ascertained that throughout being in them, I was always more anxious, insecure, lacked confidence and generally didn’t feel good enough unless I was needed.

Now that i’m alone, I am absolutely thriving and I have never been more secure and confident in myself than I have, in this very moment. I’m so proud of myself and I can’t believe this is all i needed all along. Me myself and I, solidarity and peace of mind.

If anyone is in a similar situation to this, please get out. You are only hurting yourself and if it was going to work, it would have.

Also, don’t feel guilty for leaving a situation that is not for you, that doesn’t make you happy anymore or allow you to grow.

To my ex if you’re reading this, I want you to be happy, but it’s not going to be at my expense.

E x

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Hope will never be silent.

“It still strikes me as strange, that anyone could have any moral objection to someone else’s sexuality. It’s like telling someone how to clean their house.”

River Phoenix

Happy Pride month beautiful people! 🌈

This month we celebrate all things queer. Pride month is all about togetherness in love and friendship and to commemorate how far gay rights have come.

Pride month is about educating people on LGBT+ history and communities and continuing to move forward with equality. It also calls for people to remember how damaging homophobia was and still is.

Can you believe that it was only made legal in 1967 to be gay in the UK? 1967? That was literally 2 years before my mom was born. To think that you would be called a criminal for loving who you wanted to, only 54 years ago is absolutely mind boggling.

Who the hell has the right to tell us who to love? Who has the right to make us feel unsafe and at risk if we don’t love who society expects us to? It’s wild to think that you’re born how you are and you can get penalized for it.

When I was young, my mom used to take me to gay pride because she loved the atmosphere and from early, I absolutely adored it. I would get my mom to take pictures of me and the drag queens on her phone and stare at the picture after, in awe of their make-up.

Pride is such a fun time however, it has such a deeper, more liberating meaning to it. The first gay pride started back in 1972 in London, and it was the first celebration of being able to exist in society without persecution or so you would think…

I saw a picture on Instagram the other day that I re-posted onto my story. It was of a 19 year old young man, who had been physically attacked by an individual in Liverpool town center. The attack was completely unprovoked and it was all down to the fact that this young man was not straight.

Not only does this picture make me very angry, but it also makes me so so sad. Have we not learnt anything since 1967? Have all of the LGBT communities efforts been in vain? How are we now in 2021 and people are still being attacked for being who the f they want to be?!

Arguably, I understand that 1967 is quite recent in comparison to a lot of milestones in history, so there is still much embedding to do in a great deal of people. With that being said, it does NOT give the right for anyone to go out and abuse people for their sexual preference.

When you live in a world where individuals think that this is OK to do, it makes sense why people would rather stay living a double life than being true to who they really are.

Humanity reside in a world where we judge, shame, be-little, intimidate, dissociate and abandon the LGBT+ community, because it doesn’t fit in with our ideals, whether that be religion, race, class or anything else that we haven’t grown to evolve around.

Growing up, I knew that I was somewhere on the rainbow spectrum and in retrospect, I’ve known this since about the age of 10. We were away on one of our family holidays to Spain and my mom had made friends with another family, who had a daughter the similar age as me. It was night time and our parents were drinking (shock horror) and we were playing in her hotel room.

It’s fuzzy to remember as it was years ago and even reminiscing now it sounds a bit strange. The girl suggested we take our pants off and jump on each other? So we took our pants off and she stood there and I would run and jump on her and she would catch me with my legs wrapped round her and then I would be the one to do the catching.

So we did that for a while and then one of the times she caught me, she kissed me and I liked it… *Que Katie Perry*. As you can imagine, I was only young so I didn’t really think anything of it at the time and we continued to play as normal for the rest of the holiday.

In my early secondary school years, I had learnt to suppress my feelings. I went to an all girls school and so I found it difficult to open up and the one time I did, I really regretted it. I remember telling one of the girls at school who also had an incline that she liked girls, and so we grew quite close and would speak on the phone most nights, having inappropriate conversations until the early morning.

A few weeks later she had told our whole friendship group that I fancied her and had tried to touch her at one of my sleepovers. I had never felt more mortified. Of course one of the nights on the phone she had jokingly dared that I do this, but had completely changed it round to make it seem like I was some raving, rapey lesbian.

I didn’t even bother to clear my name as she was one of the main “leaders” of our group and some of my friends had already made me feel so ashamed, so I just wanted to forget about it.

For so long I had tried to overpower my feelings, by pushing them to the back of my mind. I told myself that I was trying to get attention or that I wanted to be different to everyone else. I had convinced myself that I only liked men and the only reason I thought girls were attractive, is because I went to an all girls school. I could not have been more wrong.

In my early to late teens I really started to experiment and put my feelings into physicality. At the age of 14, I had properly kissed a girl and at the age of 16, I had my first sexual experience with a girl and although it felt like someone had taken the shackles of my feet, I also felt very guilty.

It saddens my heart to think that 16 year old me, felt guilty because society had shamed me to think that this was wrong, when in actual fact I was being the truest i’d ever been to myself.

I have kept this part of myself hidden for years, as a lot of my friends and family don’t know that I am bisexual and I’ve never felt like they have provided a safe space, for me to feel comfortable enough to come out.

I am not by any means throwing shade on any of my friends, as I don’t think they were exposed to gay or bisexuality growing up either and so it just didn’t really come natural for them. I did mention it to my mom in the past as a throw away comment, but she didn’t take any notice and I suppose because she’s never seen me with a girl, she hasn’t really taken it seriously.

There hasn’t been any coming out story from me and I’ve lived a part of my life concealed from my loved ones. Like with most gay or bisexual people, I find it a lot easier to tell acquaintances or strangers about my sexuality, as they don’t already have an idea of Elle and who she is supposed to be.

Majority of my friends are going to find out from reading this blog and although I feel apprehensive, I feel that it’s time. I find that through writing, it is the easiest way to express myself and I’ve been so worried for the longest time about what people may think, I just don’t care anymore!

Over the years, I’ve been inundated with thoughts thinking that when I do come out, my friends won’t believe me or just think I’m “going through a phase” and will try to invalidate who I am, which is what I think I’ve been scared of the most.

For any readers reading this blog that are going through the same thing, ask yourself this, if your friends act differently once you come out to them, then why would you even want friends like that? Those people are not your friends.

Pride month is a supremely colossal month for the LGBT+ community. For we have had to fight and fight for justice, just to be equal in society. We have had to take the abuse and threats and the physical assaults and bounce back from it all, still fighting for the rights that we whole heartedly deserve.

Just like BLM and all the other important social causes that we push for, the LGBT+ community, deserve to be treated the same. One does not deserve equality more than the other and no one in their right mind should make anyone feel guilty, for being who they are.

A few things that girls who like girls want their friends to know:

  1. Being bisexual does not mean that we all of a sudden fancy you or would like to have sexual relations with you in ANY WAY.
  2. You do not have to leave the room when you’re getting changed, we don’t look at you in that way, EVER.
  3. If you feel uncomfortable with us talking about a girl in your presence, that means you need to look within, not us.
  4. If we ever feel comfortable to come out to you, do not try to down play our sexuality by joking it off or saying”just it’s a phase”.
  5. Please have the exact same energy when we are talking about a potential girl we like, like you would when we are talking about a guy.
  6. Just don’t be a dick to us – if you need to research or do what you need to feel comfortable, then please do because we are SO comfortable in our skin.

National Pride Day is Sunday 27th June and this is the first year that I can wear my sexuality proud and encourage others to do the same.

I feel honored to be a part of a community who have never given up fighting and have gone through so much hardship, just to be considered normal in society. We aren’t normal! We are flamboyant, colorful, loud, quirky and peculiar and it’s society that has something wrong with them, not us.

Take PRIDE in WHO you are and if society doesn’t like it, fuck them.

E x

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Life is life’in

Hello beautiful people! It feels good to be back writing another blog. I’ve missed the sound of my fingers tap-tapping on the keyboard whilst deep in thought…

How bad is the weather? I’m sorry but are we in May or ? The idea of sitting outside in a beer garden whilst it’s currently windy, wet and *checks weather app on phone* 8 degrees outside is not very pleasurable.

There’s nothing new with me really. Sam and I have finally learnt to live together peacefully and I think we now understand each others boundaries. I didn’t realise how hard it was going to be initially, moving in with someone.

When you discuss the idea of it, you expect it to be sunshine and rainbows. You think you’re going to wake up every day feeling so happy and loving, big LOL.

In reality, you’re shouting at each other about who hasn’t washed up and created an argument that’s blown way out of proportion and then spending the rest of the day walking on eggshells around each other, until one of you acts normal again.

Luckily we both bounce back from disagreements pretty quickly now, whereas before they’d drag on all day. It’s fair to say that we’ve grown up a lot since being with each other and it really shows. I don’t want sunshine and rainbows all the time because that’s not real, this is. I’d take real any day.

I don’t want to say that I haven’t been in a good place mentally but I’ve felt better. I think a lot of things are just getting on top of me lately, my weight and skin primarily.

I haven’t been the weight that I am now, ever before in my life which honestly saddens me so much. I constantly feel anxious that one day Sam is going to realise how chunky I’ve got and break up with me. I know that I’m gaining weight but I can’t seem to stop eating the wrong foods or find the motivation to do anything about it.

Sam is great. He’s super reassuring and makes me feel so comfortable with myself and always says that he just wants me to be happy, regardless to what weight I am.

When the gyms re-opened, I was really excited and went for about 3 days that week and then have not been back since. It’s either all or nothing with me and the more I try to eat clean, the further i’m pushed away from it because in my mind, I know that i’m not supposed to.

Now that places are starting to open again, I thought that i’d finally have a way to feel better about myself by putting on make up and looking cute in outfits, but sadly that’s not the case. Hardly any of my clothes fit me anymore (or look ridiculous if they do), my arms are too chunky in crop tops and the top button on my jeans are that tight that i’ll actually die of lack of breath if i wear them.

I’ve vowed to myself that I will not buy any clothes until i lose weight, which means when I do go out, i’m not comfortable with the clothes i’m wearing, as they either look dated or stupid. When I do go to browse at new clothes, I feel like I’ve lost my sense of style because i can’t find anything I like anymore, or seem to put outfits together.

My skin 😦 is just another story. All my life, I’ve had clear, fresh, soft skin which was literally my USP. A few of you guys may know already, but for Christmas Sam bought me the Kylie Jenner Skin Care Collection which included a face wash, a face scrub, toner, face cream, eye cream and some vitamin C serum.

I used all of these products on that day and I seriously think it was way too harsh for my skin. I’ve never used skin care products on my face before and so I don’t know what enticed me to want to use these (probably because I think Kylie’s my best friend), but I really shouldn’t have.

you can see my skin texture looks bumpy and rough

Not long after using the products, my skin broke out and I had; red rashy type marks and bumps on my face. The redness has calmed down a lot but the texture of my face is still bumpy and rough and my clean soft skin is no longer.

So yeah, I won’t go on any longer but as you can tell from my moaning, times have been better. I don’t mean to sound shallow either but whilst i’m still grateful for the things i do have, these factors in life are making me sad.

I’m not naive to the fact that everyone has been in the same situation for the past year. We’ve all been locked away, isolated from our loved ones and stuck in the house. Weight gain from endless snacking and dry skin from not seeing any daylight, is probably pretty normal.

I can’t help thinking though that I’ve really started to let myself go. I wake up and see influencers on the gram in cutesy outfits with their beautiful made up faces and it’s really started to get to me. I’ve never really been one to take a look on socials and feel a way about people looking better than I do, but it’s obvious that when your self-esteem is low, social media is damaging to your well-being.

Yes, I understand that their job is to influence people and that there are lots of angles, edits and filters involved, but it doesn’t make you feel good when you’re sat on the sofa in your PJ’s, with your belly hanging out, eating chocolate fingers watching Ugly Betty. (I actually didn’t plan for that, i’m dead-ass watching it again).

Socials can be a cruel place, Instagram especially. It can have you wanting to look like people who don’t even look like that. It’s important to remember that we’re all real human beings and we only see what people want us to see. I’ve had to humble myself a few times and remind myself that because so often we can get lost in this fake world and question our own self-worth.

I’ve made a new Instagram. I was toying with the idea for a while and i eventually decided to go ahead with it. I made a new one because i’m tired of debating with myself whether the photograph is “Instagram-worthy” enough to post or not. I hate looking at my feed and seeing pictures of me in pretentious places, all dolled up in heels and makeup for likes because frankly, that’s just not me.

I’m not the heels and dress type girl. I’m not the full face of makeup type girl. 95% of my time is spent either at work, in bed or at home makeup free with my curly bun on display. That’s me. I want to show more of what i’m about, my interests and who I am. I don’t want to fit in with Instagrammers or Influencers, and I don’t want to gain hundreds of likes, but to live in my authentic truth and thrive.

As a collective, we have this warped way of thinking. We don’t post what we want in the fear that not enough people are going to like what we like. Who’s validation are we looking for here? Why isn’t ours enough? We don’t post what we want in the fear that people will think were too average and not out of this world gorgeous.

Forget the candids, the family photos and the old school pictures that hold so much value, love and pure genuineness. Instead let’s post photos of us half naked, with long eyelashes and pink nails…because that’s interesting.

I hate that we place so much control into an app that we’ve downloaded onto our phone. There are considerable amounts that we miss out on that would make us happy, financially free or just feel like more of ourselves, because we care so much about what other people think.

I did a poll on my Instagram story the other day which asked “Would you make an Only Fans account if it meant that no one knew it was you?” 76% of people said yes, whilst only 26% of people said no. Which goes to show, a lot of you are missing out on some cashmulaaaa because you care so much about what people would think.

It’s a shame that this is the way we think. I’m so guilty of thinking this way too and it’s something that i’m slowly trying to un-learn. As I get older, I can really feel myself fulfilling my inner desires and being so nonchalant to what everyone else thinks, it’s a beautiful thing and it’s going to take time.

As I sit here with my baggy t-shirt, messy pony and glasses with my leg placed on my boyfriend as he watches the wrestling, I realise that there there are so many important things in life and so many things that make me happy and none of them have anything to do with appearance.

We’ve all been through so much as a nation and I really need to cut myself some slack, we all do! Yeah so what I’ve gained weight, yeah my skin isn’t the clearest and my clothes aren’t the nicest but who cares?!

I have an amazing boyfriend who makes me laugh every single day, I have the bestest of friends who I can turn to whenever I need, I have a good job, a loving family and a beautiful home. There is nothing that I cannot overcome. I have a few rolls and dry skin but it’s nothing compared to other battles I’ve had to face.

I will continue to meet up with friends and eat what I like as we laugh and joke over nonsense and I will continue to enjoy what I enjoy doing without any harsh tellings off from myself because life really be life’in right now. Life is hard and we owe ourselves so much more love.

Take care and don’t be so hard on yourselves, take the time to enjoy life whilst you can.

I love you all,

E x

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~pu$$y plea$ure~

WARNING: This is a personal blog. Any views or opinions represented in this blog are personal and belong solely to the blog owner.

Hey guys! It’s safe to say I’ve been a bit MIA these past few weeks, as you can imagine, with the stress of settling into my new home, writing content was the last thing on my mind.

Recently I’ve found that if I put too much pressure on myself to write, then I feel like I’m doing it for the wrong reasons and it’s not enjoyable. I found myself writing just to get content out there, rather than writing because I want to. With that being said, I will no longer have a set schedule on when to publish content, they will be more sporadic in order to aid my creative juices.

This topic is a topic that I think most women will be able to relate to in one way or another. Today, we discuss all thangs pink and powerful – the female vagina, and oh baby what a powerful little thing it is. Did you know that the clitoris has over 8,000 nerve endings? Plus it’s the only organ in the human body that is exclusively for pleasure.

Although having said that, majority of women have only ever experienced an orgasm when it’s orchestrated by themselves. Crazy isn’t it? In the 21st century, it’s evident that we live in a penetration obsessed culture in which case, the clitoris and other members of the vaginal family get over looked.

In school, we’re taught that we have a vagina which serves one purpose – to reproduce. A male sticks his penis into the vagina, the sperm meets the egg and 9 months later, a baby is born. We’re taught the importance of wearing a condom because of STI’s and teenage pregnancy, but that’s all it ever amounts too.

Whilst I know that teaching 11 year old’s about the pleasure of touching themselves is wild, I do believe a conscious effort should be made to shift the focus off only having sex to reproduce and more so on the acceptance of feeling free and confident enough to want to.

What I really want to get to the root of, is why as women we sacrifice our happiness, pleasure and orgasms, in the hope to please our men instead. We have spent centuries fighting for women’s rights and equality, only to sell ourselves short in the bedroom.

Even if you don’t particularly like them, you have to rate the likes of artists such as Cardi B and Megan the Stallion (girl crush) for being so open and upfront with their sexual desires. ‘Put this pussy right in your face, swipe your nose like a credit card. Hop on top I want to ride, spit in my mouth look in my eyes. Tie me up like I’m surprised, let’s role play, I’ll wear a disguise’

Some may find it vulgar, I find it liberating. These women don’t lay down and put up, they take ownership of their bodies and dictate what brings them pleasure. How many of you have really been upfront about what you want when it comes to sex? Come on…I’ll wait.

I understand there will be a few ladies that are able to take charge in the bedroom and instantly insert themselves when it comes to their sexual appetite, however a lot of us women feel inferior when it comes to discussing what feels good for us.

I used to have a friend who was in a long-term relationship with their partner and whenever he wanted to have sex, she would make sure that she came from oral sex at least once, before he was allowed to penetrate her. Although it does sound a little militant, I feel this is something that all ladies should aspire to reach for, ‘Until I’m pleased, you wont be’.

There has been plenty of times I’ve been more concerned with my facial expressions and how I look during sex, than actually focusing on what feels good and feeling mentally involved within the act itself. ‘Oh my god I must look so bad from this angle’, ‘Can you see my bogies from down there?’ is just a few of the thoughts that cross my mind along with a line of others.

Ladies we have needs, the same way that men do and we need to stop giving so easily to please men and in turn, having our needs overlooked. I’m sure we’re all guilty for faking an orgasm. Why do we do this? Sometimes I feel we’re just bored and want to be doing something else, then other times I feel that our sexual partners might need an ego boost, but essentially what is the reason?

If we pretend that we’ve orgasmed, our sexual partners are going to keep doing that, forever because they “think” it feels good and not just you, he is going to be doing that nonsense with every poor girl that comes after you. Essentially, faking it is detrimental to womenkind!

If I found out that a guy was faking it with me, I’d be gutted! How dare you think my ego is so fragile, that you have to lie to me to protect me – YACK. Also, as well as causing a detriment to yourself, it also robs your partner of their sexual autotomy. If they don’t know, how can they ever learn?

When we start to have sex in our teens (our whenever that may be for you), it’s never usually for us to cum, it’s mainly about peer pressure from our friends, validation to make your partner “love” you more and as women, we never really get much out of the experience. If I’m totally honest penetrative sex isn’t that great…

As I’ve got older and wiser (debatable), I’ve grasped the concept that cumming is a two way thing, and you deserve it as much as your partner does. If you’re going to take part in the physical activity that is sex, then equally, you deserve to feel good.

The female vagina is amazing. We have so many secret spots that are called ‘Erogenous zones’ that can make us tingle. “An erogenous zone is an area of the human body that has heightened sensitivity, which, when stimulated, may create a sexual response such as relaxation, thoughts of sexual fantasies, sexual arousal and orgasm.”

Let’s start with the G-Spot (If you put your finger 2-3 inches into your vagina reaching upwards and make a ‘come here’ motion with your fingers then that’s exactly where the G-Spot is and when you feel her, baby you’ll know!

Your G-Spot is a spot that feels slightly rougher than other parts, but this particular area is more easily stimulated by the fingers, than other areas of your vagina. So FYI if you haven’t given Mrs G a little feel around then you most definitely should, she’s un-real…

Next up we have the clitoris – Now a lot of women do need to have this stimulated enough in order to orgasm, which is probably where the issue lies appertaining to women not having orgasms. Most men will rub the wrong clit for 2 minutes and then try and shove their penis in, am I wrong?

Besides the fact that we feel too embarrassed to correct them, we pretty much know we aren’t going to get properly stimulated and leave it for what it is. We fake moan and kind of shift ourselves for it to feel good-ish and let them continue as they please.

Behind your mons pubis (your pubic hair) lies your clitoral hood, underneath that is the tip of your clitoris, it’s a few inches above the vagina opening and right in-between where your labia meets at the top. I’m pretty sure that all of you ladies are familiar with your clit, she’s such a sensitive sally!

Fun Facts about the poontang (awful word, I cant shake it) that blew me away…

  1. 50 to 75% of women who have orgasms need to have their clitoris touched
  2. The clitoris varies in shapes and sizes 
  3. Clitoris is the Greek word for key (makes sense!)
  4. A vagina can grow to up to two times its normal size when aroused
  5. Only 1/4 of the clitoris is showing, the rest extends back into your body making a wish bone shape that’s about 3 inches long!

The importance of pussy pleasure, is so important and I want all of us women to get the maximum satisfaction that we can out of it. Women have to deal with periods, childbirth, patriarchy and can’t even get one orgasm, wtf?

There was one game-changer that completely changed the way that I viewed having sex and that was from being with a woman. I’ve never openly admitted that I’m bisexual, but that I am. I’ve always known since the age of 13 and had always wanted to explore that side of myself. When I had my first sexual experience with a woman, I can safely say, in those sacred moments I knew what pleasure was.

The dynamics with a woman was cutting edge. I didn’t feel anxious to try to look good, I didn’t feel pressure to try and please. All I could do was relax and feel good. The fakery was no more and it was a blissful experience. Since that encounter, I promised myself that If I were to ever fake an orgasm again, I would only be doing myself a disservice and although it hasn’t completely stopped, it’s made me more aware. (If you are interested in dating women, go for it – you will not regret it).

If there is one thing I want you to do after this reading this blog (please don’t do this in public), is to explore yourself. Take a moment to sit back and relax and find out what makes you feel good. Is it better slower? Do you like just the clit action or are you an allrounder?

Figuring out what makes you feel good, will not only make you feel more confident and assertive in the bedroom, but it will also ensure that you are getting what you deserve out of pussy pleasure.

Girls we don’t have time to fake these anymore. I’m on a road to fake orgasm recovery and I think we should all join hands. Is anyone else pledging their alliance? 😉

Pussy and peace,

E xoxo

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Moving out as a millennial

Your girl is finally moving out! This is the first (of many) goals that I can now tick off my ‘Chapter 2021’ list. I’m actually very proud. We’re in the second month of the year and in a worldwide pandemic and I’ve managed to secure myself a nice little apartment with my boyfriend – for those of you who know, my Sammy.

I’ve come to the realisation that moving out with your partner, is actually more stressful than moving out alone. You leave things in the hands of “I’ve got it don’t worry, I’ll sort it”, to come to realise that it’s not actually sorted, and they don’t actually ‘have it’.

I have moved out once before. When I was 21, I travelled half way across the world to live in Dubai for 14 months. I lived in a villa with 2 other girls and so all of my furniture was already there and the only thing I had to take was my suitcase! Moving to another country alone, seemed a lot less difficult than moving into an apartment around the corner with my boyfriend.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Sam with all of my heart and there is no one in this world I’d rather do this moving journey with, but as selfish as it sounds, I wish he would just let me get on with things! I say that because I suffer with anxiety and therefore, naturally, I like to be in control of things. If I don’t feel like I have control, I will get anxious and overthink and that isn’t good for anyone.

Poor Sam, I do feel it for him. I send him countless messages throughout the day with links, pictures and ideas of how to decorate the apartment. We’ve got into a few arguments with me trying to control things and ‘over-stressing’, but it can’t be helped and I feel he knows that by now and so he’s just kind of let me be.

We haven’t actually moved yet, we move this Saturday and it cannot come any sooner. It feels like we’ve been waiting for this day for so long and it’s actually happening! Currently, all of my stuff is packed away in storage boxes and my clothes are in bin bags looking all sad and useless.

I actually thought I had a lot more stuff in my room than what I do, and thought that I had a lot less clothes than I do! I will never say that I don’t have anything to wear again, because that my friend – is a big fat FIB.

I guess you never really think about the bits and pieces that you need to get sorted when you move out…until you move out! I find myself sitting there at work and a random thought will come into my head about moving, that I’d actually never considered before. All these things I don’t think about, because I’ve never had to.

I have created a list of errands that need to be done before we move in and a list of furniture that need to be bought ASAP – some of these include:

  • Storage Boxes for moving – TICK
  • Get kitchen utensils sorted – TICK
  • Buy toaster/kettle set –
  • Buy a fridge – TICK
  • New Bed/Mattress –
  • Buy command strips for hanging things –
  • Arranging for SKY to install WIFI – TICK
  • TV Cabinet downstairs – TICK

The notes section in my phone is a lifesaver. I can’t be the only one that uses it to it’s full advantage. It’s probably the most used App in my phone. For years I’ve used my notes to keep things like my budget, shopping lists, gym workouts, films to watch, clothing websites and other pointless things like Instagram captions.

WOW how expensive is furniture?! I was looking at washing machines the other day, and for a decent one – you’re looking at starting prices of around £300. *Gulps* I’m someone who likes to get as many items as I physically can afford instantly and then live off crumbs for the rest of the month. I understand I can no longer do that and need to budget sensibly with further outgoings such as council tax and utilities that I have to look forward to (the joys!)

We thought about financing some of the items (Sam, my credit score is shocking) but then decided against it, as it makes sense just to buy them when we can and get it out the way with. That way, we can focus any extra money on savings and holidays (another two of my goals for this year).

I’m so indecisive as well (libra life). I kid you not, I have spent the last week or so looking, on and off at kitchen appliances. Call me picky, but I couldn’t find a toaster/kettle set that I really liked. I have found a nice set from John Lewis now but never in a million years, did I think I’d ever have so much of a hard decision trying to decide these things, but I know that if I left this down to Sam, he’d find some in 10 minutes and I’d hate them.

If you’re planning to move out this year and don’t have any knowledge of the rental market then let me enlighten you. There are fees involved. Before any furniture or decorating, you will need to have some savings in order to get the ball rolling.

You will need a holding deposit (to secure the property whilst CRF and employment checks are going through, usually 1 weeks rent), a security deposit (this gets put into the Deposit Protection Scheme until you leave the property, usually 1 month’s rent) and also one month’s rent payment in advance (they will minus your holding deposit).

I knew there were fees involved before being allowed to move into the property but I wasn’t quite sure what they were, so just a little head’s up incase you were wondering. I don’t really agree with the fact that you have to have a load of savings in order to be able to move. You can decorate your place as you go, picking up bits here and there. There are credit plans available and also there are cheaper market places online for you to browse at.

I think that if I would have saved hundreds and then spent all/most of it on furniture, it actually would have crushed my heart. Plus I quite like the fact that Sam and I are working our way up from the bottom, making our house into a home (fully aware it’s an apartment but it would not have had the same gist) slowly, together piece by piece. It makes it more special. Real posh and Becks style.

I’d love to eventually one day, buy a piece of land/run down house and completely renovate it to how I’d like. But for now…I’ll work with the small space that I have.

I have always been quite independent with making my own money, I got my first job at Papa Johns when I was 16 and ever since I tasted my own financial freedom, I’ve never looked back. Although, living at home for almost all of my childhood-early adolescent life, it was always just me and my mom. I have an older brother but really, it’s always been me and her.

I originally tried to hide the fact that I was moving out and so when Sam and I went for the first viewing, we told Sam’s mom and everyone else apart from her. She soon found out when I had enclosed the application form in my laptop when I had been scanning information over and had forgot to throw it away when I had finished.

Ange found it and of course she was really emotional. My mom and I are super close, and so I knew this news would affect her. As well as relying on me financially, she also relies on me emotionally and physically. My mom started to get excited for us when she could see how excited we were and so it made me feel less guilty and more ready to leave!

I am only moving literally a 5 minute walk a way and so I think that fills my mom with reassurance more than anything. We can have mother’s meetings at the launderette and walks over the park when she’s over there with my dog (who I’m going to miss unbelievably) and so it’s not all doom and gloom. It could be worse, I could be in DUBAI!

Another thing that I had NO IDEA about is decorated. The place that we are moving into is new and renovated. It used to be a big house, which has now been turned into apartments. It seems to be a common theme with newly renovated/decorated places, where the landlord doesn’t want you to make any changes to the exterior or interior. This would include; making holes in the wall – hanging picture frames up, TV brackets, painting and so on.

I’m honestly not fussed about decorating as the carpet and paint is new and are fairly neutral, but if the landlord thinks I’m not putting shelves or TV’s up, he has another thing coming. If you want me to stay in a property for at least a year, then you should know that I’ve got to make a few homey touches (Shrek quote, if you know)

I spoke to the Estate Agent and he said “As long as you leave it how you found it, it will be fine”, I used to be a real estate agent in Dubai and that’s basically code for, “You aren’t allowed to change anything, but as long as you change it back to how it looked before the landlord finds out, you’re sweet.”

Another thing that I can’t get my head around is compromising. I have visions in my head of having a very neutral, minimalist apartment, with lots of beiges/creams and sage green colors. Sam shows me certain things that he wants to buy and in my head I’m screaming ‘No please, that’s tacky!’ but I have to fake my smile and say ‘Mmm, that’s nice’ because I can’t always have things my way.

I have to keep reminding myself that it’s both of our apartment and so we both have an equal say in things (however hard that may be for me). Generally, Sam and I do have the same taste in things which is good, but sometimes he can like the craziest things and he says that I have ‘a granny taste’ which I’m guessing means boring, which kind of means basic and basic means minimal. Yes Sam, I do have minimal taste but at least I don’t want a lamp which also charges phones.

I have found myself showing items to him with the full intention of buying them, but to hear what he has to say first, to make it feel as though he is contributing and actually having a say, when in reality it was always going to be bought. Is that reverse phycology? I’m not sure if it is, but it’s working and so we will continue with that method until he notices.

Even though there are plenty of appliances and furniture to buy, I’m honestly really enjoying this new found sense of freedom and responsibility. I may moan about spending 3 days looking at kitchen appliances, but I low-key love it! Choosing my own color schemes and brands and making the place look our own is truly all we’ve wanted and so now that it’s here, I really am trying not to take the fun out of things.

I certainly am going to miss my home comforts. My mom messaging ‘Tea?” when she can hear that I’ve not long woken up. Coming home to fresh washing on my bed and my bed all freshly made. Hearing my mom shout “Dinner!”, and that home cooked smell hitting my nose as I stroll out of my room, after being hungover all day.

I’ll miss my dog. I’ll miss my room. I’ll miss my bath. I’ll miss laughing at my mom’s silly jokes as she dances around the kitchen with a spatula in her hand. I’ll miss being waken up in the morning from my nephew making demands with cereal and my niece stomping across the landing (I know I’d take that back in a heart beat if I was actually woken up one more time).

I’m going to miss everything so much, I really am. This is no longer my home anymore and that makes me so sad to think about.

On the other hand, I’m excited. I’m grateful, I’m happy and I’m ready. I’m about to move in with the love of my life and nothing feels better. We are going to share a home, where we will create amazing memories together, to add to the unforgettable ones that I am already so lucky to have.

There comes a time when we must leave the nest. An experience that is admittedly – bittersweet. Moving out so far has been challenging and I haven’t even got to the hard part…actually moving out. However one of the hardest parts for me was, in fact, gaining the confidence to believe that I can make it on my own (or as a couple).

Remember, sometimes your only transportation is your leap of faith!

I’ll update you all on how I get on with the move and how it is living alone with my best friend and boyfriend in my next blog, ❤

MWAH! E x

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I was meant for more.

It’s 2021 and we’re still in another lockdown, woohoooo new year, same me and all of that jazz. Is it just me that is finding this Lockdown harder than 1.0 and 2.0?

In all honesty, these past few lockdowns haven’t really phased me much in terms of not being able to go out, but the other day I messaged Sam saying how bored I was and how annoying it was that there was actually nothing to do and he was like “You’ve only just noticed?” but I actually just kind of have lol.

I think because I was “allowed” to celebrate my birthday with my friends and Sam’s birthday, I got to celebrate the things that I wanted to and now looking back, am exceedingly grateful that, that was a possibility.

I had my results back today and I actually tested positive for having Corona. I was confident it wasn’t Rona at first but soon realised it was as I haven’t been able to smell or taste anything for 5 days now and honestly I’ve never experienced anything like it in my life. It’s awful.

It’s like I’m not human, like I’m breathing in air and nothing. I can’t smell my breath, creams, room scents absolutely nothing. I’m so self-conscious of how I smell, I have to keep asking Sam and believe me he’d take so much pride in saying that I do.

I aim to write content every three weeks (they absolutely fly-by, I nearly forgot this blog) but I am keen to be a consistent carol and keep these coming, serving you nothing but witty informative realness!

As social media has become a part of societies everyday life, it’s no wonder why more and more people are aspiring to be nothing short of an Instagram “Influencer” and I mean, if I had a product that I wanted to promote and have exposure on then I would pay a well known, highly followed Instagrammer too.

Why wouldn’t you? The amount of money you save on marketing and advertising is insane so seriously, why wouldn’t you?

The term influencer, is a person with the ability to influence potential buyers of a product or service by promoting or recommending the items on social media and as we didn’t have to buy the product (Instagram app), we ARE the product meaning that we are subconsciously influenced through our social media apps whether we like it or not.

Majority of the time, we spend our money on products that we THINK we have chosen because we like, when in reality it’s been embedded within our brains to buy them as we’ve seen this numerous times on our feeds without acknowledging.

Seemingly now a days there are a lot of women on Instagram who are into fashion influencing, so this entails being sent clothes, putting together outfits and taking cute (highly edited and near impossible to get) photos in the hope that we will picture how amazing we look in those clothes and place an order.

Whilst I have absolutely nothing wrong with fashion influencers at all (I follow a load of them), I do have a problem with the whole of the UK wanting to do this as a job. Slight exaggeration? I think not.

I have seen ‘Businesses’ on Instagram, where women (mainly) pay money to subscribe to a ‘Social Media and Digital Marketing’ team and they will teach you how to become an Influencer. There are so many things wrong with this and I will explain to you my thoughts.

  1. A lot of the times, people fall into influencing. Influencing can’t be taught, if people LIKE you they will follow you.
  2. Charging money to teach people how to become “likable” is actually quite damaging and very unethical.
  3. We’re re-enforcing the idea that having a high amount (thousands) of Instagram followers is something to aim for and a worthwhile life goal to work towards (which is most definitely is not).
  4. Having a large following on Instagram is not going to pay your bills and if it does, we can’t be sure this is going to create longevity and be sustainable.
  5. We are encouraging young girls to always look their best and post their best pictures in return to get the things that they want i.e. collabs and brand deals – basically saying if you look pretty, you can have stuff.
  6. Overall, just setting very unrealistic expectations for young girls to follow thus creating negative social comparisons against themselves and others.

It’s not cool and to think that people are actually making money from these sorts of services. They even charge to create you a ‘media kit’ where they will create you a kit with images, explaining what you can offer to brands and how many followers you have etc., that A LOT of young girls are buying into.

This isn’t a blog to bash influencers or social media in any way, I’m merely expressing my thoughts. What I would like to discuss today though, is how social media has warped us into questioning our own purpose and how we go about finding this (it’s not all bad).

Having a sense of purpose is a great thing to have, but what we shouldn’t let it do, is cloud our vision over stable, secure jobs that we have worked so damn well hard to get and even harder to keep.

I’m all for having a sense of purpose and I believe everyone should tap into whatever they feel they were bought here to do, whether that be influencing, painting, dancing, presenting, whatever it is. Purpose makes us feel alive, valued and needed.

I often speak about the beauties and downfalls of social media going hand in hand and so they do. As well as making us compare our lives, they can also help to spark inspiration and creativity, which is exactly what it did with me.

Talking from my own experience, I’ve never really deemed myself as having much of a talent per say. I am good at a few things, such as acting, singing and writing but I’ve never felt like I’ve had a sense of craft. I would always see people on socials thriving in their passions and it honestly just made me feel like I was meant for more.

I enjoy working a FT job because I HATE managing and being in charge so a job working for someone else, suits me down to the ground. I enjoy my job role, the people I work with and all in all, coming in doing my work and leaving (leaving work AT WORK).

Over the past year, there’s been an increasing amount of people that I follow that have become founders and directors of businesses. Although this is amazing news for them, it really started to displease me that I hadn’t got anything to call my own. I didn’t have a business idea or a product that I could pitch.

It was all I was seeing on Instagram and I started to doubt my own sense of self. What was I actually here to do? What was I good at that I could monetize from? What product could I produce and sell that would make a difference to people?

Then I really had to bring myself back down to reality. Elle hun, you’re no way business minded or orientated and deep down you have no interest in producing a product or running a business, so why are you letting socials influence you into thinking you do?

That still didn’t stop me from wanting to have something I could call my own. I watch tarot readings on YT (it used to be every month, but I let it consume me so I’ve reduced it to every few months) and the lady read the cards and explained that I was going to get back into doing something creative that I really loved doing, a hobby that I adored when I was younger.

I racked my brains for days pondering on what it could be. I still didn’t believe that I was good at anything, let alone anything creative! A few days passed and I remember the idea popping into my head like a pop tart. I want to start a blog!

I’d always LOVED writing when I was younger and at one point I wanted to become a journalist. I used to write stories on loads and loads of A4 lined paper, hide them away when I was done and then find them, read through them and continue the story from where I’d left of.

Along with writing, I love to read and so the two of them went hand in hand perfectly, making for an excellent English student (If I do say so myself). I’m not sure why I stopped writing, I think I just kind of grew out of it as I got older and that makes me sad.

I messaged Amanda right away blasting her with ideas and thoughts and as usual she pushed me into actually bringing that vision to life and Elleblogs was born!

I have been blogging now for only 5 months and I seriously feel as though I’ve been doing this my whole life. It feels so natural to be able to write the way I do and connect with my readers. The comments I get from my blogs are overwhelming and it’s clear to see, that at last I have found my purpose.

In conclusion, what I’m trying to say is, feeling like you have a greater purpose in life or wanting a sense of purpose is NOT a bad thing, infact I encourage it. However forcing yourself to have the same purpose as others, because you see them doing it (i.e. influencing), is only causing a detriment to yourself.

Whatever it is, that feels good and makes you happy whilst you’re doing it – keep on doing it. This is what your purpose is and that is going to carry you a long way. It’s your gift from the universe so embrace it with open arms.

Whether that’s a karaoke singer in black pool making all the oldies cackle and howl or whether it’s a sumo fighting teacher in Japan wrestling down half naked, oiled and fatty men. YOU’VE GOT THIS!

You need to OWN your purpose, STAND TALL and SCREAM from the top of the rooftops about it. Let it consume you and fill you with so many emotions and excitement you don’t know what to do with. Bask in it, live in it, flourish in it, EXCEED your potential and achieve greatness.

Even if you feel like you aren’t passionate about something or aren’t good at something, I PROMISE you, you are. This might even be as simple as the job you’re doing now, you’re doing it amazingly because it’s what you were born to do.

I know things are real bleak at the moment with what’s going on, but I promise you, you’ll get through this, we all will. Anyone that’s struggling reading this, pop me a DM on Insta and I will do my best to help you smile.

Take care and stay safe,

E x

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Too many talking stages

I never know how to start my blogs. I either think to start with something along the lines of “Hi guys I hope you’re all well” or just jump straight in and start. I feel it’s only right to update you on my life as part of these blogs, as I’m so open with what I share and so it would be rude not too.

As cheesy as it sounds, I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and are still enjoying the holidays. I also hope that you did not allow for Mr. Johnson to keep you away from your loved ones due to the “mass number of cases that are increasing daily”.

Christmas day for me was busy. My niece and nephew are now a part of our household and so rather than breaking my fast with rochers and bucksfizz, I was helping collect wrapping paper/packaging and acting as if I have a clue, whilst trying to follow instructions in the hope to set up their new toys.

This break has been long awaited, following on from 4 weeks intense training, alongside 2 rigorous weeks of assessments but the main thang is, your girl passed and is now all in the clear! That also explains why there was no blog last Wednesday, that was just a one off as I felt like my head was going to fall off and the last thing I wanted was to be anywhere near a computer!

It’s new year eve tomorrow, and although majority of us probably don’t have any plans other than to sit at home and drink in peace welcoming the new year, it goes without saying that we’ll all be happy to see the back end of this god-awful year, good riddance.

Despite the obvious reasons as to why 2020 was so bad, I am grateful and humbled by this year. I genuinely think that I found my soul mate. I started blogging. I got a promotion at work with a healthy payrise. I lost friends. I gained friends. I stepped out of my comfort zone. I started to prioritize my MH more. I have savings and the best bit is, I have undertaken so much self-progression that in comparison to last year, I am UNRECOGNISABLE.

2020, you are something else, do you know that? *kevin hart voice*

Monday, I thought I would let you readers decide what topic I blog about. I do have various topics in my notes but I was feeling indecisive so I put a poll on my Instagram Story to see what content you were drawn too and dating as a millennial was the most popular.

Now I’m no dating guru by any means, but it doesn’t take a genius to work out that the standard of dating, in comparison to 50-80 years ago has sadly, but surely fizzled out into nearly nothing. Gone of the days where men would court a woman by doing everything they could to “woo” her, in the hope that the end result would be marriage.

When I talk about “wooing” women, it wasn’t buying expensive gifts and wining and dining them. It was the simple things. The simple chivalrous things, that most of us women, consider a lost art. Holding the door open for you, kissing your hand or your head. In all honesty, I was among the women who screamed from the top of their lungs that ‘chivalry was dead’ and ‘men are trash’ after being tainted by the likes of narcissistic, immature idiots.

Sam however, instilled every belief back in me that chivalry infact isn’t dead. It’s just a rare find. I think it was one of our first dates, it was earlier this year when we had the really hot weather and we went to Weston-Super-Mare (a beach and pier.) The sand was so hot and so I ran off the sand onto the pavement. I had to put my sandals back on but I had all sand on my feet. Sam told me to sit down and he started to brush all of the sand off the bottom of my feet and helped me to put my sandals on, checking that they were comfortable and sand free. It was such a special feeling to know that that’s genuinely what he wanted to do. The smallest acts of kindness, really do mean the most.

I figure that in the olden days (1920’s), women were expected to get married from early and so the responsibility really was on the man to win a woman’s heart, so that he could take her hand in marriage. It used to be frowned upon if a young woman was not married and it was deemed that something had to be wrong with her.

In this day and age, that’s no longer the case and so rather than live an unhappy life, with a man who conned us into believing he’s a gentleman, women are saying no to marriage and relationships overall, in order to fulfill their own happiness. Like Whitney Houston said, “I’d rather be alone than unhappy“. In the 21st century, women are realising their self-worth and are not accepting anything less. We understand the value of self-love and have realised that our happiness is worth so much more than any relationship status.

Being single does not mean that we’re unhappy and being married does not mean that we are happy. Women aren’t afraid of being alone anymore, as we know what we bring to our table and boy we’re eating good! So if you haven’t got anything worthwhile to bring, then go and sit over there on your own table and don’t come back until you have, peace.

Dating as a millennial is wack. Civilization have become their own curse as well as their cure, we all seem to have adapted to this modern way of dating and pretty much hate it, but accept it for what it is. We get excited by right swipes on tinder and eye emojis into the DM’s. The fast but short-lived excitement that this new age “wooing” brings is more fulfilling than a long, interesting chat about our life, interests and bucket lists.

We meet, we talk, we get close, (and then if we are lucky enough to form some sort of relationship), something fucks up*, we stop talking and the cycle starts again and before we know it, we’re in talking stage #173.

*Something fucks up:

  • They ghost/you ghost
  • Emotionally unavailable
  • Unwilling to commit
  • They cheat/You cheat
  • Too many arguments
  • One or both unwilling to compromise/to work on things
  • Domestic/emotional/financial abuse
  • Effort is not reciprocated
  • Too distant/too needy (won’t give you space)
  • Lying
  • Substance abuse
  • No affection/attention
  • and the list goes on…

We date in a generation where “ghosting” is a thing. Enough of us, have had someone completely ignore us for weeks on end or cut off contact completely via various forms of social media, in a bid to end things. This is a common enough theme that runs throughout many millennial’s dating experience, that it now has a name.

I haven’t been ghosted before, but I can imagine it’s one of the worst things to happen when you’re talking to someone. 5 months into the talking stage and you’re getting excited that soon he’s going to ask you to be his girlfriend but instead he’s got no picture on WhatsApp, can’t be found on Instagram and your messages are not delivering. How AWFUL.

From an evolutionary standpoint, ghosting is one of the worst, if not THE WORST thing that you can do to someone that you no longer wish to talk to. Leaving someone out in the cold without any reason why, must weigh a ton on someone’s mind and automatically have them doubting their self-worth.

Essentially, by not giving someone a reason for why you have lost interest, you are showing them, that to you, they aren’t worthy of a reason and that’s something that they’ll have to deal with, sending their thoughts into a spiral of negativity and self-loathe.

Let’s cut out the ghosting please. It’s real shitty to the person who gets ghosted and is a sure and fast way to get their self-esteem plummeted.

It’s not just ghosting that has made it’s way into the newly found dating lingo. There are lots of other dating words to – “talking stage”, “catfish”, “bae”,”R.O.D”, “beating” and I’m sure there’s plenty more. Those are literally just off the top of my head and they sound ridiculous even writing them out!

So you ask, what is this talking stage that you speak of? Well, I have a lovely explanation from Urban Dictionary that pretty much sums it up!

“It’s basically just a mind fuck and really a waste of time, cause most of the time it doesn’t work but when it’s does I guess it could be great, but I mean I wouldn’t know sigh

CLASS. Yeah so pretty much, the “talking stage” is when you are getting to know someone, feeling them out, seeing how they make you feel and working out whether or not you want to pursue anything long term with them. It’s at this stage that most men (come on, you know it’s mainly you guys, but I ain’t finna stereotype) and women start to lose interest.

If it’s the case that you are talking to other people during this stage, (let’s be honest, most of us do) then odds are, you’re going to be more attracted to the one that’s going to keep your attention and so the ones that don’t, either gets ghosted or cut off and has to start yet another talking stage with someone else.

I mean, it’s not bad to get to know other people. In the talking stage, I guess this is the perfect time too. You’re still single and you want to get to know the people that you’re interested in. It just sucks that if we have spent so many months getting to know each other, and you make it clear that there is no longevity, then it has to come to an end real soon. It’s not even that upsetting, you weren’t mine and I wasn’t yours. It’s the fact that I now have to start again with someone else and I don’t even know if I can be bothered.

The problem about the “TS” is that it’s exhausting! I don’t want to repeat for the 100 millionth time what my dogs name is and what I like to do for fun?! I don’t want to, I’m sick of it! The small talk when you’re trying to get to know someone, is truly underwhelming. How do I know that this time, is going to be the time. This time, we will meet up as planned, you will fall in love with me and we will run off into the sunset and live happily ever after. Or maybe, we’ll be strangers at the end of the year, who knows? Anyone for another game of TS roulette?

These days, no one is clear about their intentions. We are happy to get attention and have our ego’s stroked for a while but that’s all it amounts too. We talk about having “no strings attached” but then things get way too complicated and feelings get hurt. We then get into a competition of who can care the least.

For millennials dating, there is little gratitude in showing happy and honest emotions. We fear that if we act interested, we will actually turn that person off and make them feel the “ick”, so we tend to act backwards instead. I know they’re going to look at my Instagram story so I am going to post me having a good time with my friends, so it looks like I’m unbothered. How bizarre does that even sound? Yet we still act this way to express our true feelings.

Another thing that we do, is that we get way too strategic with our responses. I understand this could never have been an issue in previous generations dating, as they did not have copious amounts of social media apps to speak to different people on. If they were busy, they wouldn’t respond and if they wasn’t, then they would. Simple. If we see our potential suitor post on their story but not reply back to our message, we are in instant war. That’s it, I’m not texting back for two hours now, see how he likes that. Why are we in so much competition to act like we care the least?

I wouldn’t know whether to class this as an advantage or not if I’m being honest, but Millennials now have more leverage in dating. We now have dating apps! Tinder, Hinge, Bumble and I know there’s more. Ok so, dating apps seem to have bought us closer together but further apart simultaneously. I say that because, dating apps is not old-fashioned dating. It’s once again, allowing us to have our egos stroked by someone that we haven’t even met (who may very well be cat-fishing us.)

I was on Tinder when I lived in Dubai, but it was not a bit of me at all and soon delete my account. I’ve also used Hinge and tbh, the set up of it is a lot more casual and likable than tinder. All in all, aside from most people being on there because they are bored, (this year I can imagined their user figures sky-rocketed through the roof) a lot of people are on those apps, just for a good time.

I highly agree that they are a good tool for meeting people and filtering down to your specific preference in person. Especially for people that have very little confidence in real life, but once the initial tone has been set, the conversation should be moved off the App and onto a more normal form of communication. Maybe they make people feel safer? In most cases too, there is a lot less rejection as you’ll never know who was never interested in you, just who was and so that can add to people’s confidence, but if you’re going on there to find love with someone, then you’re going to have to meet them soon anyway!

I guess these types of apps are perfect if you are looking for a quick fling, have travelled away to another city or destination and fancy some company, as they offer short-lived relationships and there is just so many people to chose from!

If you are genuinely looking for love, in the nicest way possible please stay away from those apps. You fall in love with someone’s laugh, smile, the way they pull a face or say a certain word. Dating apps make it so much harder to do. You write someone off because they don’t have any pictures without their friends or their bio is cheesy, when in reality everyone has their quirks. It’s just that their quirks are being put in the spotlight and being frowned upon and judged, if this was real life, you’d probably be the one to admire them.

In general, it’s a lot harder for millennials to find success in dating, as we have too many options. This in turn, makes it less likely for people to want to try and work through the relationship/situationships that they are already in, as they know that they can have another one at the click of their finger.

It’s sad, I’m a libra and we LOVE love. We get burned time and time again, but we always come right back, stronger, in the search of finding our special one. Although, it’s hurtful, exhausting and naïve (some may say), I’m thankful that I have that in me because I now have my prince charming and god willing, I’ll never have to enter another talking stage again! *Elle leaves the chat*

Happy new year everyone! See you in 2021,

E x

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Chocolate can’t get you pregnant…

Ok so before we get into the blog, HOW the hell are there only 29 days left of 2020? It seems as though it was only yesterday that it was March and I was told to stay at home for 3 weeks, as we all needed to self-isolate and alas, here I am writing this blog in December, in yet another lockdown.

Let’s look on the bright side though, it’s nearly Christmas! (my favorite holiday) and if you’re a total Grinch then I guess my riveting way with words is going to have to be your only satisfaction I’m afraid.

A little life update before we begin: I’ve started my new role at work as an experienced specialist adviser which means that I have to undergo four weeks of intense training. I’m currently on week 3/4 and it’s that intense, that I wake up in the night with it on my mind and when I do get back to sleep, it’s interrupted with thoughts of work! Writing this blog already feels like a comforting outlet and should offer me some small, but much needed respite.

I’m coping much better with lockdown 2.0 as I’m still able to go to the office three days which provides some sort of normality at least, plus I’m with Sam most days so he helps to occupy me. I really hope that everyone else’s second lockdown hasn’t been too hard either.

Admittedly, the titles a little crazy but only because the topic I’m discussing this time round, is Contraception, so I thought we’d have a lil fun with it. When else can we have fun when it comes to Birth control?

It sucks that as women we have to put up with so many things in our lifetime and men seem to be let off scot-free. Puberty, periods and then pregnancy, never mind all the bits in-between. Whilst I’m on the subject of periods, did you know that Scotland have now made all sanitary items FREE?!

Scot ladies are no longer paying £4.60 for a box of a blood plugs. How amazing is that? Scotland seems to be moving with the times (not that periods are a new thing) but the fact that women have to pay for sanitary items because we bleed through no fault of our own, is an absolute scam and clearly outdated!

Contraception plays a big part in a woman’s life and I don’t feel as though we get the recognition we deserve for having to deal with it. It’s our jobs as women to ensure that we find a birth control method that suits us in order for us to prevent unwanted pregnancies either for ourselves, our partner or both. Essentially, the owness to stop any babies is very much upon women and to be completely honest, that provides a whole load of pressure.

I can almost guarantee that every sexually active woman reading this, has had a pregnancy scare, maybe multiple. It’s the day of your period and it hasn’t come. Your boobs are sore and you’re feeling tetchy and hungry. Day two comes and still nothing. You have slight cramping but nothing major, just a few twinges here and there. Day three comes and there’s still no sign of Mrs. P and now you’re really starting to worry because normally you’re like clockwork.

The more you think about it, the more stressed you become, you’re eating every hour because you’re constantly hungry. Day five comes and you’ve convinced yourself that you’re pregnant. Your belly feels bloated and you’ve backtracked to the last time you had unprotected sex, your mouth goes dry as you think of all the ways you’re going to tell your partner.

You wake up on Day Six to find blood in your panties accompanied with a whole load of belly cramps, Surprise! She shouts.

I admire that there’s various forms of Contraception that we get to chose from. Taking into consideration our routine, lifestyle and most importantly, our bodies.

From daily pills, to year long coils, we really do get to have the pick of the bunch.

What works for one woman isn’t going to be the same for the next and likewise, which makes it even harder to find a means of birth control that we can actually vibe with.

I first started my Contraception journey when I was 16 years old. I’m quite lucky in the fact that I could speak to my mom about these things and although we didn’t have a sit down ‘birds and the bees’ conversation, she’s always been very open and understanding in me making my own choices.

I didn’t explicitly come out and tell my mom that I had become sexually active, but as we all know, moms just know and so she advised me that it would be wise to take a look into forms of Contraception.

I went to the clinic on my own, (my mom had offered to come along but I felt more comfortable alone) and I left with the pill. The pill I started out with, is where you would take 1 pill once a day for 21 days and then have your period for 7 and then the cycle would start over again. I’ll be honest, it was that long ago now that I’m not sure what side effectsI had, but I know for certain, that I would always forget to take it…

I stopped the pill when I was 18 and then decided that I wanted to try the Implant, now this was more my thing, as I had this form of Contraception for a total of 6 years (taken out September 20) so I will go into this, in a little more detail. The Implant is placed at the top of your arm (either left or right) with a small incision. The nurse cleans and wipes the area, numbs the pain with a needle and then, inserts it. The pain is very minimal (my pain threshold is real low) and I found that when I was having it removed, this was actually more uncomfortable than getting it inserted, as after three years the implant tends to get buried into your body.

The aftercare is really low maintenance and didn’t provide me with any pain. The only thing I found, is that my arm felt slightly heavier and had bruising where the implant had been inserted. Your arm is wrapped in bandage which you have to keep dry for 48 hours and you can take the whole bandage off including the plaster after a week. You also have to be careful not to do any heavy lifting, or go to the gym for a week(that suited me down to the ground). As it starts to heal, you’re left with a small scar where the incision was, but it’s nothing too major.

The life of the implant lasts for a period of three years after which you need to get it replaced. It provides an efficiency rate of 99% and for the duration of the life span, your periods can either get shorter, heavier, longer, more irregular or completely stop. My periods for the 6 year span, completely stopped and I was ELATED. With any forms of Contraception there are disadvantages and I found that the Implant really did intensify my already existing and every crazy mood swings.(I’m a Libra OK!)

During the six years, I didn’t have any issues and for me this was a great choice of Birth control, or so I thought anyway. I don’t suffer from Acne and so my skin remained the same and there was no obvious weight gain or loss. I also didn’t have the stress of remembering to take a pill and I didn’t have any periods or pain, so I absolutely loved my implant!

I had the implant removed in September and I was actually kind of yearning for a period as it had been so long. I expected it to return instantly, so when it didn’t, I was really panicking. After 8 weeks, my period returned and that yearning feeling no longer existed when the cramps began!

It was up to the three year mark and I was debating whether to continue with the Implant, or to take a look into other forms of Contraception. I found some information online about the Implant that I had not previously known and it got me thinking against it.

Had I not known these things because I was not previously warned by the sexual health nurse, or was I warned, but just decided to be ignorant against it as I wanted to make my partner happy to have sex without protection?

It’s true that as women we aim to please our men and as even younger women, we get caught up in doing this quite often. We sometimes neglect our views and choices, in order to make our other half happy and in turn, make them love us more?

We allow them to “just pull out” because it’s more satisfying for them, than putting on a condom, but it’s US that have to make sure we get the morning after pill in time, (you can now take this 5 days later, I know wth?) to prevent having a baby.

Now, I pride myself in being as transparent as possible and although I didn’t have almost any known side effects from the Implant, there was a MAJOR hormonal imbalance in my body (still till this day, I can’t find it on any website under side effects) which meant that I was prone to getting BV 60% of the time I had sex, whether this was with or without a condom. (If I’m oversharing and it’s making you uncomfortable, please skip past as I have no qualms about opening up). Evidentially, this would get me down a great deal as no matter what tablets, gel, home remedies I tried, it was reluctant to come back.

After years of trying different remedies, I quite frankly accepted it and just thought that maybe it was just how it was with me, maybe I was sensitive or had a mad PH balance as this didn’t seem to happen with any of my friends. That’s when I came across an online Forum, where a lady had been explaining that since having the implant she had persistent BV and although she had spoken to her doctors about it, they didn’t connect this with anything to do with the implant.

I was exceedingly grateful for this Forum as it gave me great comfort in knowing that I wasn’t alone and there was method to the madness as to why this kept on happening. Thank god for online Forums! (It hasn’t returned since having the implant out in September). This is why I can’t stress enough, the importance of doing your own research as you can’t always rely on sexual health professionals, they’re only human and sometimes they won’t inform you of every detail.

I understand there are sexual health professionals that don’t know everything there is to know about Contraception as there are constant new developments, granted. However, it’s scary to know that if we aren’t advised properly or at all about a form of Contraception, then we’re left out in the dark about what we are really putting into our bodies. Therefore, I want to make sure that women are educated around the immediate/long term side effects of Contraception and why it’s important to do your research.

Slightly out of context – I’ve recently downloaded the ‘Flo’ app now that I have periods again and it has completely changed the whole menstrual game! When has there ever been a time that you can track your periods through an app? You can track your periods (and log your symptoms for more tailored information), see the days you’re most fertile, the days you have a lower chance of getting pregnant and so on and so forth. It’s practical AF and personally, I think every woman should have it.

My mission in these blogs are to inform, educate (as well as entertain) people on the information that I wish I had known and to give you an insight, into my experiences. With this particular topic, as I can only really speak about the implant, I was keen to get in some feedback from five cute ass women about their first hand experiences on Contraception, in the hope that it will urge you to do some research for whenever you’re in a position to decide.

“I started taking the pill at 18 but I had to stop after a year because unfortunately, I got to experience all of the negative side effects that it come with. I gained weight and I was constantly down and irritable, I had a low libido, but the most serious side effect I inherited was anxiety and depression which still visits me six years down the line. When I first went on the pill, it was because every doctor was recommending it due to my age. I would attend check up appointments and every time more health concerns were being raised. My blood pressure was through the roof and doctors would often re-do my blood pressure 2/3 times in shock and would joke “Did you run to your appointment?.” Each time I went, none of the nurses/doctors flagged any of these negative side effects as an issue, as long as I was practicing “safe sex”. Over time, the side effects of the pill directly impacted EACH element of my life…my relationship took a U-turn and my sex drive was at an all time low, I didn’t even want my partner to kiss me! I quit my job over text due to stress and anxiety and ended up dropping out of uni…TWICE! My experience with the pill put so much fear into me around Contraception, that now I’m scared to use any alternatives! It’s not normal to sacrifice all of these things for such a small gain. Looking back now, I’m sad that I was so heavily convinced to take the pill when I was 18, as it’s had a domino effect on my life ever since. Thankfully, I’m happy and healthy now and I will continue to practice safe sex in a HORMONE FREE way :)” This woman was previously on the pill, she was not informed of the serious negative side effects and long-term impacts. She now stays well away from using any other form of Contraception and is enjoying safe sex without any Birth control!

I have been on the patch now for overall 3 years and it is the best thing I’ve ever been on in my life. It’s so simple to use. You put it on for a week, (week 1) take it off for a week, (week 2) put it on for a week, (week 3) (3 times) and then you have a period. Then it begins again with a fresh patch and it’s just the best!” – This woman is on the Patch currently and is really pleased with her current Contraception.

I was on the implant before having my daughter and bled for 8 months. Some days I would be spotting, other days I would have full periods and would sweat to the point where they’d make me faint but the doctors didn’t check it out because I was too young for a smear. I was then advised, to start taking the pill alongside the implant to maintain the bleeding which stopped my periods altogether. When I went for a check up (with another doctor), I was told that it wasn’t ideal to be on two forms of Contraception before having children which then scared me. I was then told I had cysts on my ovaries which could have been due to an overdose in Contraception but luckily they haven’t grown and I have my daughter now and expecting our son. If you believe that something isn’t right for your body or if something is wrong, trust yourself! Xxx”This woman was on the Implant alone and then she combined it with the Pill, as advised by Medical professionals – She should have received much better initial advice, as she may have suffered a Contraception overdose due to inaccurate guidance.

“At the age of 14, I was experiencing very heavy periods and my iron levels were so low during the time of the month along with feeling very lightheaded and fainting. If I wasn’t fainting, I was leaking through my trousers which was very embarrassing especially during school hours. This all got way too much for me and I made the decision to see my nurse who immediately recommended the contraceptive pill, the Levest. I had to take 1 pill a day for 21 days and then I would stop for 7 days so my period could naturally arrive. I have noticed several benefits from taking the contraceptive pill such as, my period although still heavy in comparison to other women, has lightened a lot, shortened in days and as a result I rarely leak! My family and boyfriend have noticed the negative side of me taking the pill. My boyfriend often bares the brunt of my mood swings and I find myself not wanting to be affectionate and intimate with him. It’s fair to say my libido is non-existent. I question myself all the time, why do I keep taking this awful pill? Honestly, my answer always refers to having a sense of security and control over my body however I find that I am left with no control over my hormones and emotions and so I battle with myself over what control I would prefer.” – This woman is currently taking the pill and it seems that the good, slightly outweighs the bad. Although she loves the fact that she has more control over her body, she is in a constant battle with the lack of control over her emotions, that the pill provides.

I initially had the implant in from 2016 to the end of 2018. I had NO previous information provided and was offered it on the day of an appointment and felt pressured into saying yes. This was a substitute for the contraceptive pill which I was worried was making me gain weight. I wasn’t told the implant was infact, the worse for weight gain and I saw this as a quick fix for Birth control. I had the implant removed and after doing my own research online and seeing less negative side effects for the Depo shot, I decided to query this with the doctor and was satisfied with what I was told. I had to have this every three months and it was ideal as it kept my periods non-existent. Once my relationship ended, I decided to take a break as I was worried about the repercussions of not having periods for 9 years. Only THEN, did my doctor tell me that the Depo shot can make you infertile and can cause conceiving issues, as it can take up to one year to come out your system. It took up to 8 months for my period to come back after my last shot and I no longer believe any Contraception is healthy” – This woman went from the Implant to the Depo shot. She was not advised about a main side effect of the Implant, or the long-term fertility issues or delays in periods that you receive with the Depo shot and now she no longer believes that any form of Contraception is healthy.

I really do hope you find this blog educational more than anything, as like I stated earlier, Contraception is a huge part of women’s life and so the better informed we are around this subject, the better decisions we can make for ourselves, our bodies and our future.

I guess if you’re in doubt about Contraception for now or are completely put off after this blog, then grab a vibrator and some chocolate (the chocolate is purely for eating) because 1) you don’t need a man to please you boo and b) because chocolate can’t get you pregnant 😉

Lots of love,

E x

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~Adulting~

The practice of behaving in a way characteristic of a responsible adult, especially the accomplishment of mundane but necessary tasks.

Definition from Oxford Languages.

I’m pretty confident that I’m not the only one, who when they were younger thought that when they turned into an “Adult” everything would just…click. “Oh look, I know how to do my own laundry” “Wow, I know how to manage my money and pay my bills” “Amazing, look at this delicious dish, I’ve just made”. We’re all old enough now to know that actually, that’s not the case. Far from it.

Do you remember how daunting it was to make your own phone call to the doctors? I think that was the moment I realised, that I was considered an adult. Something as little as making your own doctors appointment. I remember looking at my mom in disgust, mouth open. “What? You don’t want me to do it for you, do you?” she said. Err, yes actually I do.

See the thing is, when we’re of teenage age, all we can’t wait to do, is get older. We know we’ll have more freedom to do things, for teenage girls this usually includes such things as:

  1. Going out clubbing.
  2. Staying out late and not having a curfew.
  3. Sleeping at your boyfriend’s house (not needing to get your friend to pretend you’re staying at hers, and like my mom asking to speak to their mom before hand) – Jesus, thank god those days are over.
  4. Drinking or Smoking freely.
  5. Leaving the house whenever and going wherever, without having to answer to anyone (my mom still always asks btw)
  6. Wearing what you want without being told to “Go and change, it looks like I’ve dragged you up”
  7. Overall, just being free to do whatever the hell you want.

As I write this blog, I’m reminiscing on teenage old me and smiling. Teenage adolescence seriously, what a phase. There were so many things that I wanted to do, that I’ve now done that I’m looking back at thinking, was that it? At the time no doubt, it was obviously really enjoyable and because you’ve waited so many years to do those things, they feel compelling.

I remember, I’d wanted my tongue pierced for ages and I knew my mom wasn’t going to let me and so I just decided that I was going to get it done without telling her (clearly I thought I wouldn’t speak to her for weeks) I can’t actually remember how old I was at the time, I think I may have been about 15? I went to the tattoo and piercings shop – Tommo’s it’s called, it’s still there till this day (please do not go there they’re not the most hygienic) and got it pierced. I was so in love with it!

I walked home after having it done, realising that there was no way in HELL, I’d be able to hide this from my mom as all I kept doing was dribbling and trying to suck the excess spit out of my mouth. I thought that if I was just upfront and honest, she’d have more respect for me. I mean, she couldn’t tell me to take it out as it was already pierced now and that was that. Well she could but still, I knew how mad she’d be if she found out on her own accord. I got back and showed her and she was NOT happy. She didn’t tell me to take it out but instead, she ordered Chinese food. The wicked woman did this so I wouldn’t be able to eat anything (it was a fresh sore piercing, I couldn’t eat much) but I could smell how good the food was… she got me good.

I love the freedom that I have as an adult, (the irony of writing this whilst in lockdown) looking back though, that thrill of going against your parents/guardian was riveting! I don’t know if I’m just a rebel by nature but it was an adrenaline rush, ‘Ah man, I’m probably going to be grounded but I’ll do it anyway’ was always my mindset because whatever I wanted to do, always seemed worth the risk, and every single time it was.

So apparently, the official age of becoming an adult is 18. Did anyone else receive this memo? Because I didn’t, I still haven’t. There’s certain tasks that I’ll do sometimes where I’m like ‘Woohoo, look at me I’m adulting’ but on a day to day basis, I still as though I’m not all there just yet in terms of being an adult-adult.

I guess you have to look at this on a case by case basis as most people my age drive, have children or have their own house. I don’t do/have any of those things. Less responsibility makes for a lesser “adult-y” feeling , I assume?

Why does no one tell you how quickly avocado goes from unripe to overripe? Or that you will never not be tired again for the rest of your life? These sort of things seem to go amiss when you are classed as a responsible adult.

In past years, I have actually started to take pride in Adulting and completing the usual boring mundane tasks that teenage me would’ve laughed at.

Of a Sunday, I enjoy cleaning, putting clean clothes away, hoovering and other room chores that I used to despise. “It’s the productivity for me” – I know it may seem like minor tasks, but I genuinely feel a sense of ownership and take pride in what I’ve done and nothing is better than burning a candle in a clean room of a Sunday, the best.

I started working at 18 years old (an advanced apprenticeship) which had a really good salary, I would get paid and spend £200 on Mac Makeup or £200 on clothes from ASOS that I really didn’t need. It’s infuriating to think about! I didn’t have a clue about money management or budgeting and so I’d spend a load of money on what I wanted and ignore the direct debits I had and then I wouldn’t have enough money to pay my bills. I ended up in a load of debt because of it (that I still pay off to this day) that could easily have been avoided, had I have had the essential guidance given by firstly, schools and secondly my family.

It’s imperative that the younger generation are taught these essential life skills as soon as they are old enough to understand, say maybe 15. It’s imperative that schools and family members teach us HOW to live. More millennials are living at home now, than at any other time of the century. Why? We haven’t been shown how to save, the benefits of saving and why it’s so damn important and so therefore we don’t have a deposit for a car in our bank, let alone a house!

Social Media has started to teach us that we MUST look a certain way and so we spend money on lip fillers, boob jobs and BBLs instead of investing in ourselves for our future. We’re not taught how to save for a house, how to avoid debt, what interest free credit cards are, or how insurance works along with so many other important life competencies that we so desperately need to know!

I had an accident in my first car when I was 19 years old, I think it was probably about 2 months after I had taken the car out on HP and my car was nearly a write off. I had to fork out £850 in excess in order to get my car fixed. £850?! I didn’t have this money and to be honest, I don’t think majority of the people my age at the time would have either. I didn’t have a scooby how insurance worked and so when I was asked to pay that, I sat in the car garage office and cried on the phone to my mom about how I was going to get to work the next day without a car, long story short, she paid it and the courtesy car was delivered.

With the on-going increase of house prices and the general cost of living and the on-going advancement of technology and social media, it is of vital importance that Generation Z (the generation after us, 1996+) are taught to be independent, self-sufficient individuals with lots of life knowledge and know-how. If not, I fear they are going to end up more arrogant, entitled a-holes then what they already seem to be #sorrynotsorry, living at home until they are over 40 with no ambition, no money but not caring as they have 30k insta followers…

The truth is, although there seems like there’s adultier-adults and adults that look as though they are adulting more successfully than we are, they don’t have their bearings together as much as we think they do. Being an adult is basically like playing snakes and ladders. It’s an on-going, ever-changing cycle of starting to think that you have your life together and then something happening that makes you feel like you don’t and then the same thing over and over again until we’re dead.

I used to think that we would get to a certain age and everything would balance out. Finances, successful career, big house and a nice car and that would kind of be it. It’s never going to be like that though is it? There’s always going to be something that goes wrong, from your break light not coming on to making someone your everything to be dumped a few days later. It’s life, and life happens all the time.

I find that as I don’t feel too “Adult-Like” currently, I really take advantage of that feeling. I’m made tea in the mornings before work, packed lunches packed and my bed made when I come back accompanying my clean washing. My mom has done these things for me for so long now that I’ve definitely started to take it for granted and when it stops, I’m going to feel it, as I’ve allowed this sort of “Her Royal Highness” treatment (my mom actually calls me HRH) to go on for far too long.

But why not bask in all of this pre-adulting life whilst we can? Why not take up these free offers whilst they are there?

I’ve seen what adulting is like and there more than enough responsibilities for my liking. Let’s embrace this whilst we can before we have our own kids to make tea in the morning or own laundry to do after work. If I’ve learnt anything from being a an adult, it’s that life is far too short. So savor every moment.

There are many things that I’ve had to learn the hard way since being an adult but here are a few of the mains one that I wish I was told:

  1. Get a credit card – Now when I say this, I don’t mean go and take out a gold platinum account credit card with a £10k limit to splurge out on. I mean a credit building credit card with a small limit I’d probably recommend £100-£500 (mine is £150) so when life happens, which it does, you have some back up funds to use that you can use that you don’t have to use your disposable income for. Also by having a small limit and paying this back on time, in full every month (if you can afford it, don’t strain yourself) will help to build up your credit score, which btw is also very important!
  2. Take care of your credit score – Yet again, another important thing that I wasn’t told about. Your credit score is so important! It allows you to take out phone contracts, mortgages, rent a place and other things that you wouldn’t even imagine. It even needs to be good for some specific jobs! One late payment can last on your credit file for 6 years, let alone defaults or anything else. Make your payments on time, set up direct debits and keep to them. Really think about your finances and if you can afford to take out an agreement before committing yourself because trust me, you think you’ve got away with it, but the past soon catches up. My credit score got ruined before it was even needed. I have late payments, defaults, all that you can imagine. It’s been 7 years now and it’s still sitting at poor. (Fml)
  3. Save some of your salary – This isn’t one that I’m all too great at just yet I’ll admit, but I have started and so I guess that’s something (Leah can vouch for that). It was something my nan always used to tell me, “A wise man, saves 1/3 of his salary”. All teenage-early adulthood you cares about, is buying hair extensions and concealer so you don’t listen, but you wish you did. I’m 25 and I’d love to have thousands in the bank. All of those material things I’ve bought don’t matter anymore, what have I got to show for them a part from an empty bank account? If you save some of your salary each month, week you’ll feel overjoyed in 6 or 12 months time when you can splash on those designer trainers you bought or book a holiday, trust me it’s worth it.
  4. Some times they’ll be rejection – I’ve had rejections from job interviews, friends and left heart broken by ex-lovers and at the time it feels like the worst thing to happen. How? Why has this happened to me? Rejection is normal and it helps you to build character. You learn that “You can be anything you want to be” in school isn’t as easy as you’d imagined but you take it with a pinch of salt, wipe the tears away and move the f on, because life waits for no-one and along with those rejections, there will be a whole load of acceptations too! (Hindsight is a wonderful thing, you’ll look back and be grateful that you were rejected).
  5. Accept that people are in different stages of their life to you – It’s crazy, when you’re in school you kind of see everyone as your equal in the sense that you’re all in the same year and you’ll go on to sixth form or college at the same time and graduate at the same time etc. When you leave education, you notice that you’ll start to wonder if so and so’s better than you because she’s got her driving license now or if someone else is better than you because they’ve got a full time job at a great place. It will happen, you’ll think those things and that’s completely normal. What you have to realise is, things happen for you when you are ready for them, the universe will bless you when you’re ready to be blessed. This is your life, you are on your own journey and you aren’t the same as anyone else, so don’t compare yourself to them as you’re only in competition with yourself and yourself only.
  6. Take care of your mental health – As you all probably by know I’m a huge advocate for taking care of your mental health because I know how much of a toll it can take on your personal life. If you feel like there is something triggering your mental health whether that be your lover, a friend, a situationship, social media or I don’t know your favorite genre of TV – CUT IT OFF. I’ve done this recently by deleting snapchat and I can’t tell you a better time I’ve felt less anxious – It won’t eliminate how you feel completely (I mean it might, amazing if it does) but you’ll feel much healthier. It will hurt and you’ll hate it but I promise you, your future self will be blowing you a million kisses.

So there you have it. It seems like more of a rant than a blog admittedly but someone had to say it. Enjoy feeling young at heart and not having life figured out yet, that’s the beauty of life. I’m sure you’ll have plenty of responsibilities when the time comes but for now, “Take it easy“.

In addition, the younger generation is being set up essentially to fail and now that we have lived through this ourselves, we know better than to let the guidance and nurturing go amiss. Sure, it’s not entirely our parent’s fault that we didn’t get taught these things, it starts with the systems put in place purposely designed to make us fail and dependable but that’s a conversation for another day, all in all let’s be the change we want to see and make adulting easier for those that are next to come.

Ciao for now,

E x

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Birthday Blog – 25 and Alive!

I appreciate not so many people will be as interested in this blog as it’s slightly different from the usual ‘These are the things I’ve learnt and this is what I’d like to share with you’ and it’s all about me – real superficial I know, complete libra style x

If you can’t already tell from the obvious blog title, last week I turned 25 and although it terrified me to death, it was a lot more gratifying than past birthdays. Last year in my previous relationship, all we did was argue and so for my birthday meal with my friends, I had to put on a false smile and fake my way through the evening when all I wanted to do, was to break down in tears in the bathroom.

Sam and I loved up in Mailbox

THIS YEAR HOWEVER! My boyfriend made me feel like a princess from morning until evening and whilst the idea of wearing a mask with a full face of makeup wasn’t ideal, it was hand on heart one of the best birthdays to date.

Now I’m not speaking from a materialist point of view – It was one of the best birthdays to date because I was so overwhelmed with genuine love and appreciation inclusive of my friends, family and other half. It was the first birthday where I haven’t had to organize things myself i.e. checking availability, booking tables, etc.

Originally I did have plans to have a big birthday meal with a load of my friends in a nice restaurant somewhere but then the rule of six came out – cheers boz and of course my plans could no longer go ahead.

How Adorable

My boyfriend – I think I oughta be using his name by now Sam, knew I was a little disheartened by this and decided to make my actual birthday so much more special in order to compensate.

On the night of my birthday eve, Sam came with a bunch of balloons; white, pink and confetti with different coloured ribbons, white, pink and rose gold. He stood there and blew up every single balloon and tied the ribbons on to the bottom of them, stuck them up and after two hours I had a balloon filled ceiling…

Along with the balloon blowing, I heard a load of rustling and noise downstairs and my mom and Sam speaking in hushed tones which as you can imagine was very exciting, (I felt like a child again on Christmas Eve waiting up on the stairs for Santa) and I was ordered not to go downstairs until the following morning and woke up to this…

My Balloon Display

I cried four times that morning. Once was from my best friend’s birthday message, another was because of the card from Sam, the third time was because of the amazing balloon display and the last time was reading the card from my nan which explained that ‘It does not seem like 25 years that she’d held me in her arms as a baby’. Is it normal to be more emotional as you get older?

With the eyelash glue stinging my eyes from the tears, I knew how loved I was in those very moments from the people that meant the most.

My birthday was beautiful. I was captivated by the amount of effort Sam put in. We had a table booked at Shogun – Teppanyaki in the cube which was for 6pm in the evening but was surprised when Sam told me to get dressed early as he wanted to take me for a few cocktails before hand.

Also a part of my Balloon Display

He explained it was a last minute booking and didn’t have many places available to book but had managed to get a table for 4pm at TurtleBay. We got to TurtleBay and we both had one of each cocktail; a Sidechick Martini and a Reggae Rum Punch. I didn’t seem like we were there for very long before the cocktails kicked in and we were all over each other.

I had a few cocktails and I was ready for my pics. Isn’t it weird how much confidence you inherit when you have a bit to drink? Sam stated that he wasn’t going to stop taking pictures until I loved one and so we spent our extra time between bookings, taking pictures until I was satisfied with my perfect Instagram upload.

Cube Waterfront

We paraded through the mailbox with eyes staring, as I had on diamanté mesh trousers and Sam wasted no time in recording me from all angles and taking pictures of me on the bannister, walking up the stairs and outside the waterfront. I usually cringe with that much attention so full on but I admit, I was completely and utterly absorbed by it. I felt like a total princess, a celebrity even.

I had heard some good reviews from a few people who said that Shogun was real nice and so I was quite excited to try the food as we had a five course meal booked. The customer service was great and the food did not disappoint. I wish I actually had pictures of my food but to tell you the truth, we were both so hungry by the time we arrived that we recorded quick videos for the socials and then tuck straight in. We were served the first starter which consisted of a salad with Japanese mayonnaise – (it tasted like a really nice salad cream). I’m not sure if I was just starving or if the dressing was just really tasty but Sam literally had to tell me to put it down when they served the other starter as I just could not stop eating it!

The next starter that they served up was half a spring roll with a chicken satay kebab – Oh my lord! They cook with some stunning flavors. Shortly after, we had the food cooked infront of us. This involved the chef throwing eggs onto the heat and shouting “It’s a boy!” “This one’s a girl” He was quite comical tbh whilst we watched our food cook. He asked if anyone wanted to see if they could catch the egg in their mouth and of course Sam wanted to do this and much to my surprise he actually got it in!

Fine Dining with Bae in Shogun

The mains included; Salmon, Prawns, Chicken, Fried Rice and also Beansprouts. It was a refreshing change to see the food being cooked and then served straight onto your plate. It’s just weirdly satisfying to know how fresh and clean the food is that you’re eating. All of the food was cooked to perfection. The Salmon was cooked in a beautiful sauce and the chicken was cooked so tender. The only critic I have is that the rice could have had a bit more flavour, as the other foods were so tasty it just made the rice taste slightly bland that’s all, but other than that, I don’t have a bad word to say. I would definitely recommend this restaurant to anyone, it totally out-weighed my expectations.

It seemed that the theme for the evening was Glitz and Glamour by the attire that we wore and the fine dining that we indulged in, so it felt only right to finish the evening splashing some cash at the casino. I’d never been to a casino before so this was a new experience for me. It wasn’t as flashy or lavish as I’d imagined from watching movies but it was good experience regardless. We sipped on our cokes as we had had enough alcohol for the night and put some money on the roulette table. We won, lost, won, lost and then left. The night was completed by taking a late night drive to Clent Hills to enjoy the beautiful views of the lights over the hills, a perfect end to a perfect evening.

As I mentioned earlier, as well as being wined and dined on my birthday, I did have food and drinks booked with my friends that annoyingly, had to be cancelled.

I’m aware that majority of people didn’t get to celebrate their birthday this year commencing from the end of March so some Pisces(early-mid march), Aries, (Late March-April) Taurus, (May) Gemini’s (June) and then I think restrictions started to ease up slightly for Cancer’s (July), Leo (August) and Virgos (Sept) – (Astrology Nerd) and I’m not moaning because compared to most above, I was actually able to have plans arranged and at the very least get out the house.

My Birthday Cake made by nan – with edible flowers.

What I am moaning at though is the uncertainty of it all. Like us libras aren’t already indecisive enough – (of the most indecisive signs of the zodiac).

What I mean by that is, most people knew they either could or couldn’t celebrate their birthday due to lockdown restrictions but being the typical libra season that it is, we didn’t know if we could or couldn’t, which meant that booking plans was very up in the air. When Boris announced the rule of six, I had an email from the restaurants I had enquired at to say that they were no longer accepting a booking of my size. I then informed everyone who was supposed to come and some people told me to book two tables of 6 instead, which still meant that I would have to uninvite people which I certainly was not going to do. I mean, how do you pick between friends?

With that in my mind, I came down with the birthday blues and had it in my head that I was going to stay in like the majority of the UK had because it seemed like the easiest thing to do.

I was turning 25 and I would spend my birthday celebrations in my house, probably watching Netflix and eating a Chinese take away. How did I go from having plans at a fancy restaurant to now staying indoors with a take out?

Once again another blog slating Rona, and Boris’ inability to make a firm solid decision and stick to it.

My friend Amanda who is one of my longest and closest friends said that although I no longer wanted to go out anymore, she at least wanted to see me on either the weekend before or after my birthday for a cute girl’s night and so we arranged to just do that instead.

Beautiful Hamper from my Best Friend

Amanda had made a beautiful hamper that included my favorite things along with some unexcepted snacks and goodies. It included things like cocktail cans, a self-care book for libra, wax melts and so many more things that I’m slowly making my way through.

This is when it started to feel like my birthday! I have always been that person who prefers thoughtful, sentimental gifts rather than materialistic ones and all the thought and preparation that had gone into this, meant the world to me.

ALSO, I was speaking to Amanda a few weeks before about wanting to try melted white chocolate and strawberries as I had never tried it before. Low and behold, Manda included a pack of white chocolate buttons, strawberries, kebab skewers and bought over her chocolate machine in order to fulfill my long awaited fantasy. To be honest, I had completely forgotten about wanting to try this but I can tell you now that I have, that I will NEVER go back to eating melted milk chocolate again!

My friends are the best type of people. I was pretty set on not celebrating my birthday out anymore when Leah urged that I do this as it had already been a pretty crap year and the people that had previously been invited to my birthday meal would understand that I was limited in what I could do, given the circumstances. I’ll be honest, I couldn’t really be bothered booking something again incase of new restrictions coming into play (which it did) and me getting more frustrated, so opted out.

Mandy and I in TurtleBay

A few days after, Leah messaged me to say that she had been having a look at something small and intimate to do in order to celebrate and had come across a Bottomless Brunch at TurtleBay for two hours (I had never been to TurtleBay before and went twice in my birthday week) This included a meal from the brunch menu and most importantly any unlimited cocktails for a 2 hour period. Leah then proceeded to tell me she would book this (whether I liked it or not) and to invite four of my closer friends and we would have a day out drinking which we certainly did.

I don’t even remember this photo, Charlie, Me, Amanda & Leah (Tanya behind the cam!)

The brunch was booked for Saturday 17th October and Boris announced further restrictions on 12th October to say that we could not go out to public places (unless it was to beer gardens) if it’s not with people from your household.

At this point, I really did not give a shite about these damn restrictions and I’m pretty sure others were feeling the same way too. I had already cancelled once and it wasn’t happening again so we all prepared the “We’re in the same accom” speech ready for the objection handling when we got there. Charlie had to ask her friend from university her address so we had all the information prepared.

Leah & I in Las Iguanas

The ‘Fake it til’ you make it’ plan was devised and ready to go however much to our surprise was really not needed. We didn’t get asked any intrusive questions about how we were in the same household as they seemed to be satisfied with a quick yes when they asked us if we were.

This made the day work out SO perfectly as we got to go to every bar booked without any issues or hesitation and we could get as drunk as we wanted without having to think twice! I couldn’t have chosen a better group of friends to go out with.

The group of girls I went out with haven’t been around each other before, bar two who are already friends and so I was kind of anxious bringing them together as you don’t always know if they will gel together well or if the conversation will flow and so that was always in the back of mind but throughout the day, I whole-heartedly was so content and comfortable about everyone being together and this in succession made me have the best day/evening, it couldn’t have gone any better. (Well I think so, I was smashed when we left the first bar so…)

In TurtleBay – All I did was LAUGH

No seriously though, all I did that day was laugh.

I’ve never been much of a drinker and I know you don’t have to be in order to go out to bars for cocktails but it’s just never really been a bit of me. I think partly this is because when I did used to drink at parties or social gatherings when I was young, I was sick EVERYTIME which really put me off.

Now that I’m older and my stomach is a bit more mature, I can appreciate drinking a lot more.

The brunch at TurtleBay was real fun the only dampener was the rude waitress that had been assigned to our table, who in short basically told Amanda that she was not allowed to ask how long the cocktails were going to be because she was late herself, the cheek of it! The drinks could have came a little quicker tbf as you’re only allowed one drink at a time and then you have to wait for another one but that was probably a blessing in disguise for me at the time to be completely honest.

We finished off our night going to Leah’s local pub, downing shots and playing cupid with her and one of the bouncers which was a nice touch to end the night I must say.

So there we have it. My birthday this year was amazing and I’ve only got the people around me to thank for it. I guess the lesson that you can take from this blog is, if you have the right people in your life then you will always feel loved and blessed regardless what you end up doing. The right people will show up and prove their self to you and won’t ever leave you doubting whether they’re really down for you or not.

Until 2021 – TY so much for reading,

E x

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Turning up or turning in?

I’m 25 next month and honestly, I don’t quite know how to feel about it. After all, I spent my 23rd birthday in Venice and as soon as it turned midnight I grew very emotional and actually started to cry! It was a weird feeling, like I knew I should’ve been happy but, I kind of wasn’t…

I mean, is there a rule that states you must be happy on your birthday? We’re quick to say “Happy Birthday!” but when you think about it, are we really that happy about getting older or are we just happy that we have a day revolved around us, basking in lots of love and attention, and for the most part, receiving gifts?

Thinking about turning 25, I feel slightly bothered. It’s the first age that I’ve felt like I actually need to have my shit together. It’s the first age where it feels like there’s some sort of pressures attached to it. I should have my own place, I should have my own family and I should have a certain number of savings in my account or should I?

When I was younger, I thought I would’ve had all of the above by now, hell even married! But I couldn’t be further from any of those things and before now, it didn’t seem like much of an issue, but as 25 approaches, it feels like there’s a time bomb ready to start ticking when the clock strikes 12 on October 14th.

What’s even more alarming is that I generally feel myself getting old. I see rave/club events on my Instagram feed that usually, the younger me would be real excited to go too, that don’t even phase me. I no longer get the ‘FOMO’ feeling when I wake up fresh on a Sunday and watch Snapchat videos of nights out in raves and bars.

Don’t get me wrong, I do like a good bar, but I don’t feel like I NEED to be out as opposed to wanting to. Not to mention, if you’ve had a heavy night, the 3 day hangovers that has gradually crept up in recent years. When did partying more or less every weekend turn into every couple of months?

I feel the twenty to thirty age gap is a unusual head space to be in, especially if you’re like me and you have friends that are on complete different ends of the spectrum. I have friends that are pregnant or have babies, and friends that are moving out or saving for mortgages. Then I also have friends that are planning year long travelling trips with settling down being the furthest thing on their mind.

In our Snapchat group chat last week, we had a divided discussion when my friend explained that she went to the club and quickly wanted to retreat back home and snuggle with her boyfriend. My other friend instantly disagreed and expressed all the things that she loved about going out, from the getting ready process, to pre-drinking to finally being in the club and having a great time.

Now, I remember the last few times I’ve been out. I stood there watching everyone else have fun around me and wanting nothing more than to be in bed, in some comfy PJ’s, a cup of tea, cheeky joint and a movie. I felt guilty for not enjoying myself as much as I should and for being a party pooper but to be honest, my back and feet hurt, I was tired and the most important part is I just wasn’t having fun…

So I guess, how do we know when it’s time for us to pack away the dancing shoes and pull out the baby boots?

Teenaged me thought that I’d be 100% sure when the time was right, without feeling like I’ve rushed or didn’t think things through enough but I’ve started to realise that there’s actually no right way to tell if you’re ready or not, other than the activities that used to fill us with joy that we slowly draw back from…

I went to Thorpe Park last week and I had a blast, it was such a good day, but I can just remember having the worst headache from my head banging against the headrest on the rollercoasters. I’ve been to plenty of theme parks when I was younger and that was never something that I’d recalled until now as the thrill and adrenaline always took over any other thought, then it dawned on me, I’m getting older and just like theme parks, a lot of things that used to be fun, just aren’t anymore.

Does that mean that I’m ready to move on with the next chapter of my life?

Now the truth is, a lot has changed for us females over the years. We’re no longer expected to stay at home and watch the baby, we have more opportunities now, we work more and travel more, we want do and see more things and I’m extremely proud to be born into an generation where these things are normal.

It’s liberating to have friends that make their OWN money moves by aspiring to have successful careers and making their mark in society. We all know that it used to be a man’s world but slowly women have really stepped up and gained the recognition that they deserve and so with that in mind it makes it even harder for us women to either chose to be the working woman with no time to settle down or find that special someone and start a family.

The notion of having a house and my own little family makes me really happy, it does. But I LOVE to travel and always have. I have many places to tick off my bucket list and actually, I’d rather not have to do that by struggling to collapse an uncooperating buggy or lug around a changing kit that is hurting my shoulder.

I want to go on holiday to have a holiday and not have to worry about getting off the lounger every five minutes to entertain my child.

I want to go to a restaurant to eat and not have glaring eyes at me because my kid is screaming and there’s absolutely nothing I can do to shut them up.

I want to wear skimpy, low and minimal clothing without being judged for what I wear because I’m a mom.

I want to go to a festival and stay awake for 2 days knowing that I don’t have to come home at a certain time due to childcare.

I want to go on late night car journeys with my boyfriend and not have to worry about bringing the baby or not.

More than anything, I want people to feel that even without a house/baby/marriage, you have been successful so far in adult-hood and shouldn’t feel pressured into doing these things because you think that times running out, or it’s the right thing to do because you’ve reached a certain age.

As 25 is fast advancing, it’s only right I share a few things that bring me comfort in reaching this age:

  1. I have a new job upskill coming at the end of this year which will put me on an amazing salary.
  2. I am more sure of myself and who I am, more than I ever have been.
  3. I feel SO safe, comfortable and grounded in my relationship with Sam more than any of my past relationships, he is my best friend and boyfriend all in one.
  4. The friends that are in my life are here for a reason and the ones that aren’t well, lessons learnt.

This is your life, live it how you want to without any rules or exceptions! Be the best parent you can be or travel to the ends of the earth, none of these are the right way to do things, just your way.

None of us have our shit together and that’s the truth! Life is an everyday series of making mistakes, figuring things out and learning from those in a way that works best for you.

Looking back at my 24 years on this planet, I have achieved so much and I’m honestly so proud of the woman writing this blog today.

So smile, stop being so hard on yourself and embrace your twenties, because they won’t be here forever!

Thank you universe for your abundant blessings and lessons as always x

Libra season is here, and to all my Libra brothers and sisters out there, Happy Birthday, I love you all!

El x

Featured

No, i’m not OK.

What mental health needs is more sunlight, more candor and more unashamed conversation.

Glen Close

You may or may not be aware that this month, September is the month of Suicide Prevention Awareness Month, with world Suicide Prevention Day being on Thursday 10th September.

The aim of this month, is to spread awareness, share resources and stories in a bid to shed light on this highly taboo and stigmatized topic.

I contemplated on the idea of writing this blog as I know that for the majority of people, suicide (well mental health alone) can be considered quite a daunting subject to touch upon, but then when speaking with a friend, she reinforced the idea, that the fact that society thinks mental health is “too much” of a topic to talk about, is more than likely the reason as to why suicide rates are still so high, which gives me even more ammunition to speak about this topic.

A few weeks ago, I had a close friend of mine come to me and tell me that they were feeling suicidal and contemplated taking their own life. In that moment the only way to explain how I was feeling was helpless. Whilst I was so grateful that they had opened up and shared the burden of how they was feeling, I didn’t want to say anything that was going to patronize them or make them feel even worse then they already did, and sure, there is certain things that you definitely shouldn’t say but ultimately there is no right or wrong way to talk about suicidal feelings, starting the conversation is what’s important.

It’s fair to say that we all know someone (yourself included) that has struggled with their mental health at some point in their life, whether that be a diagnosed mental health condition, a generalized daily struggle or through uncontrollable life events that make us feel mentally NOT OK.

It can be at any time, for any reason but the fact of the matter is because it’s not physically seen, it has been embedded into society that it’s not as important enough to talk about. IT IS. It’s just as, if not more important than your physical health.

Our mental health includes our emotional, psychological and social well-being. In simpler terms, it affects how we think, feel and act. Not to mention, it also helps determine how we make choices, communicate with others and handle stress.

It annoys me that there is still a lot of people that believe, that the people that really suffer with their mental health are in one category and the people that don’t (or manage to handle it well enough to feel like they don’t) are in another category! OK granted, some people do have more severe conditions that are more apparent to us that need to be looked at individually, however when it comes down to it, EVERY human being on this earth has a mental health that needs to be looked after.

We ALL have a mental state that fluctuates between mental well-being and mental illness that can change daily, weekly or when something in our life triggers it and NO ONE can try and tell you, how you feel.

It seems as though, the world at large applies so much unnecessary pressure to themselves in the hope to feel good everyday, when in reality it would be weird if this was the case. Just take a second to think about what you’re asking of yourself…

Life is hard and you believe that every single day you’re supposed to wake up and feel good? Impossible. Please understand that this a big ask and this sort of pressure, without everything else that life throws at us, is not needed.

The chances of you waking up every single day and feeling good is highly unlikely but that’s OK, like your physical health sometimes you can wake up and feel a little weak, tender or mentally exhausted and it’s perfectly normal when someone asks, to turn around and say “NO, i’m not OK”.

Yes, their facial expression may be a little shocked and they’ll probably hesitate on what to say next because the truth is, a lot of people don’t like to appear vulnerable and so they won’t expect you to come out with that, but that’s the stigma that we need to start breaking.

“No one notices when the strong friend stops being strong”.

As well as being aware of our own mental health and taking measures to look after it, we need to start being aware of other’s people’s mental health too, now more than ever. Honestly, i know that this is much easier said than done because like I stated earlier, it’s so easy to assume that your friends are OK because we can see how good their life looks from the surface and how happy they seem and so we don’t tend to pry too much.

It’s only when they’ve physically broken down to us, posted sad quotes on social media or sent us huge paragraphs that we tend to start acknowledging that something is up and even then, the way that we approach things needs to be explored differently.

Let’s run a narrative:

Your friend loses their job and starts to get behind with bills, they worry that they will lose their home, car and not find work for months. All these issues weigh heavy on their heart and push them into a spiral of negative thoughts which makes them fall into mild depression, which begins to make them feel as though there is nothing else to live for. You lost your job two weeks before and you tell your friend to “cheer up” because it’s “only a job” and “things aren’t that bad”, because when it happened to you, you “got over it”

First of all, you’re being a major a hole, but secondly you need to understand that although the same situation has happened to you, it certainly does not mean that mentally you’re going to process it the same. Like physical health, no two types are identical. So NO ONE, not your girlfriend, boyfriend, mom or brother can tell you, how you’re feeling, if you’re feeling it. You get it?

Society is the worst for this on men. Telling them to “man up” or “grow some balls” when they express how they’re feeling. Women idolize wanting a “strong manly man” that can “take care of us” and as soon as they show any sort of real emotion we deem them as weak and incapable. Do you know how damaging that is?

Did you know that 75% of all people that die by suicide are male?

The friend that came and opened up to me was a man and the respect that I had for him after speaking to me, grew tenfold. I felt so moved that he felt comfortable enough to open up to me about something that society projects so unspeakable to talk about, for men especially.

Guys, let’s STOP belittling people (men especially) for how they’re feeling and let’s start really listening and exploring as to why they are feeling the way that they do. Let’s provide a comfortable safe space for them to open up and provide them with the tools that bring them back to a place where they feel safe and let themselves be loved.

A few of the things that I find useful, that help maintain a positive mental health include:

  1. Be Conscious – Pay attention to the stress, anxiety and uncomfortable thoughts in your head. Stop ignoring the signs in the hope that “you’ll get past it”. When you do finally acknowledge how you’re feeling, stop beating yourself up about it and put healthy measures in place. Reach out to your friend, meditate, block the person causing you aggro, miss your gym class booked for the day, do WHATEVER you NEED to do, for YOU.
  2. Honest Conversations – People find it hard to open up when it comes to their mental health for the fear of feeling vulnerable, ashamed or being judged. Understand that your mental health is important and the people with your best interests at heart, care about you. Start to seek help without judgement or stigma and have an open, heartfelt conversation about your mental health.
  3. Listen to understand, not to reply – More often than not we ask our friends “How are you” and we expect them to say “I’m good thanks” as an automatic response. But when they say they’re not good, it can throw us off guard. Start to dig deeper and listen to what they’re telling you, don’t gloss over what they’re saying with a quick response because you feel you need to reply. They’ve told you they’re not ok for a reason so listen and reply accordingly. This in turn, will make them feel listened to, valued and hopefully offer more comfort for them to open when needed.
  4. Social Media Consumption – This is not real life, we can get too consumed with apps such as Instagram and Snapchat reminding us of the cars we don’t drive or the bags we don’t have, which build up negative emotions and starts to impact our mental health – If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the online world, take a break or switch it off.

FACT – While half of individuals who die by suicide have a diagnosed mental health condition, research shows that 90% experienced symptoms.

As it is Suicide Prevention Awareness month, I would encourage you all to PLEASE help promote awareness by sharing images and posts on your social media accounts. Use #SuicidePrevention or #StigmaFree.

Whilst I know writing this blog is not going to help build huge confidence in those that suffer with a mental health condition to speak out, I at least hope that me writing this helps someone to become more conscious of their own MH and of those around them.

Let’s normalize the topic of MH and suicide and help break the stigma!

Take care of yourselves and others.

E x

If you are struggling at the moment or know of anyone that is struggling, please I encourage you to either speak to family members, friends, ME – Insta DM (Link at the top of the page) or contact the following charities:

Unless it says otherwise, they’re open 24 hours a day, every day.

Samaritans – For everyone
Call 116 123 (Free from your phone)
Email jo@samaritans.org

Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) – for men
Call 0800 58 58 58 – 5pm to midnight
Visit the webchat page

Papyrus – For people under 35
Call 0800 068 41 41 – Monday to Friday 9am to 10pm, weekends and bank holidays 2pm to 10pm
Text 07860 039967
Email pat@papyrus-uk.org

Childline – For children and young people under 19
Call 0800 1111 – The number will not show up on your phone bill

Featured

Losing Friends and Finding Love in Lock-Down.

Life as we know it, completely changed earlier this year due to a Pandemic that none of us could predict. The world came to a sudden halt and outside life was no more. Like most people I guess, “lock down” really put a lot of things into perspective for me and forced me to come to terms with thoughts that usually out of the house are quite controllable. We were asked to stop what we are doing and to become conscious within our present environments, thus teaching us to be grateful for what we already have. Wearing face masks to get outside essentials, zoom meetings to our managers/colleagues and seeing hand drawn rainbow pictures for the NHS quickly became the norm.

At first the concept of staying in your home for 3 weeks seemed like an awful idea or the best thing since sliced bread depending in which category you fell into and as this got extended due to a very confused and conflicted Bozza, inside life for me started to feel like hell to pay.

I work taking calls for Citizens’ Advice and whilst the idea of waking up late and not having to commute to work filled me with joy, the whole idea of WFH began to feel really draining. Months on, I was moodier than I had ever been, my anxiety had gotten a lot worse than usual and I had used up all of my annual leave just so i didn’t have to take calls. PLUS my up-skill for my new role at work had been pushed back and I honest to god hated the guts of Rona and everything it had caused.

Things quickly started to go from bad to worse when I had a fall out with one of the closest people to me and we couldn’t see a way past the situation. Everything felt so hard to deal with and I started to believe that “Lock Down” was one of the worst things to of happened to me (I’m sure as hell I wasn’t the only person thinking this). I mean, ok yeah I still had a job unlike the majority of people either being made furloughed (a word i’d never knew existed since lock down) or redundant, but that didn’t mean that made WFH any easier.

Friendship breakups are the worst, even more so than actual breakups I think, you have all those thoughts about what if your mutual friends stop speaking to you or what if you see them out and it’s really awkward? I think we take friendships for granted, especially in this day and age, we become so comfortable and dependant in them that we think they are always going to be there and so i didn’t really know much of who i was outside of this friendship, i felt like i’d have to re-create myself and friendship circles from scratch and that thought was exhausting.

At the beginning of lock down, I reignited a flame with someone from my past,(through socials of course) we had really hit it off before but due to working abroad we hadn’t had the chance to persue anything. The rate at which things were progressing between us was fast and I wasn’t here it for it initially due to not long coming out of a nearly two year relationship which did absolutely nothing for me, but little did i know this fast moving (i don’t know what you’d call it) would turn out to be one of the best relationships i had ever been in.

Although my head space wasn’t entirely back to it’s usual positive and chirpy self, my now boyfriend did everything he could to try and speed up the recovery (along with my other friends – Amanda, Leah, Tanya – thank you). I felt like I didn’t really have much of a friendship group per say as I had friends from different social settings but I noticed that as i became more vulnerable with my friends about the situation they welcomed me with open arms.

I started to get back to my usual self through things like my friend’s coming round for Netflix and chill nights’ (visa versa) and I started being invited out for nights out such as cocktail nights or to house parties which I usually never would. Within a few weeks, the fearful thought of not having anyone to confide in or go out to eat with started to completely diminish with this new found love and respect that me and my friends now had for each other.

The past few month’s of lock down have been an absolute whirlwind and I started it in a really negative way which has now transcended into me seeing nothing but the good in things. I used break down in the afternoons because i thought i was a bad person for letting this friendship go but now I’ve learnt that it needed to happen. It needed to happen in order for me to be grateful for the friendships that i already have and was taking for granted, it needed to happen for me to learn that setting boundaries are OK and whatever the outcome will be, will be. It needed to happen for me to understand how loved and valued i am already from people and in turn start to love myself more which has only helped to strengthen my relationship with my boyfriend. It needed to happen for me to grow as a person and understand that life happens so embrace the unpredictable. I think that’s definitely something we can all learn from corona if i’m completely honest.

I guess what i’m trying to summarise as a message in this blog is that things happen sometimes that are beyond your control and as much as you try to fight against it, it’s going to happen and there is nothing you can do about it.

If lock down has taught me anything it’s:

  • Boundaries are important – I recently learnt this from talking to one of my friends Jess. She highlighted how important it was for me to set boundaries for myself and for other people. If no boundaries are set then people are going to continue to get away with things that you have made them so comfortable in doing. Boundaries set basic guidelines on how you want to be treated and if people can’t appreciate those boundaries, then i’m sorry but the long and short of it is, they don’t appreciate you. Now take that as you will but sooner or later, it will hit you in the face like a big wet fish so if you don’t already have some, set them. If you are naturally a people pleaser like myself then this is something that you may struggle with but in order to keep relationships, healthy, happy and respectful mutually there may be some boundaries you need to put in place.
  • Have an open heart and open mind – One door closes and another door opens, just because you can’t see what’s behind the other door right now doesn’t mean that you aren’t going to like it. No one likes heading into the unknown and sometimes life is going to push us into a path that doesn’t look as clear as we’d like but that’s OK. Have a open mind that things are going to be alright regardless and open your heart to trust that the universe is closing the door behind you for a reason and guiding you to one that’s going to fit your purpose slightly more.
  • Be Grateful for what you already have – If i didn’t have my other friends around me whilst I was feeling how I was feeling then i can’t even imagine how lonely i’d have felt. You don’t realise how therapeutic a girls’ night in is, just to vent, reminisce on old times and laugh until your belly hurts over a glass of Malibu Strawberry Spritz. I’ll hold my hands up and admit that I took my other friends for granted before but as i sit and write this, i’m understanding how much they actually mean to me and i’m going to do everything i can to show them this moving forward. SHOW the people that you have around you already how appreciated they are and how grateful you are to have them in your life.
  • Love yourself first, ALWAYS I’ve always wondered, why when someone loves me the way i’m supposed to be loved, why do i get the sudden urge to run for the hills? Why do i feel like I don’t deserve the love that i’m being offered? I pondered on this thought for a while and it started to annoy me so I did some research on it and it turns out, it all starts with the relationship that we have with ourselves. I know it sounds insane, but hear me out… If you don’t love yourself enough, when someone else comes along and shows you how to love, the concept feels foreign and strange and you don’t quite believe that all that love can be for you. So when we don’t love ourselves enough, we do the opposite, we settle for things that we shouldn’t because we don’t love ourselves enough to know ANY better.

The love that the world has shown to each other because of quarantine has been beautiful, from the sharing of new online businesses whether that be sprinkle cake or weed cake related, to the weekly claps for the carers on a Thursday evening at 8pm. This pandemic has been totally surreal but there is also some beauty in what it’s created. I just hope that this love is something that we can continue on with and give to one another when times aren’t so hard too. We’ve shown that we can do it, so why does it only have to be done in times of hardship? Why isn’t this love something that we can give to one another all the time?

Now when I look back in hindsight and think how this Pandemic has been for me, in my honest opinion, if i take everything into consideration in terms of, finding love (through a relationship and friendships), setting boundaries and learning how valued I am in my already existing relationships, lock down for me truly was a blessing. An unexpected, very peculiar blessing, but a blessing nonetheless.

E x